


The Stars In His Eyes

by Artemis_Strange



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alpha Jacob Black, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Trans, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Imprinting (Twilight), M/M, POV Bella Swan, POV Jacob Black, Pining, Trans Bella Swan, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:29:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26401183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemis_Strange/pseuds/Artemis_Strange
Summary: It's been 6 years since Bella ran off with the Cullens. Jacob had been sure she was dead, or at the very least she was an undead leech. Yet here she was, or rather...here he was. How will they deal with how each of them have changed? Is forgiveness possible after so much time and pain? This isn't typical J/B. AU.
Relationships: Jacob Black/Bella Swan
Comments: 16
Kudos: 42





	1. Unexpected

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own an of these characters/do not own Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended. I'm just trying to have some fun with a story I love. Don't sue me, thanks!
> 
> Story Info: Alright, so everything up to Eclipse holds true but then my fic starts veering off canon. Bella disappears with the Cullen's after the wedding and isn't seen again for 6 years. Where has she been? What the hell happened? Also, i will be drawing inspiration not only from the canon books but other JxB fanfiction stories.
> 
> Warning: The story is going to venture in to some dark territory, but I will list trigger warnings for each chapter as they come. Also, be prepared for future lemons and general naughtiness. This story will be rated M.
> 
> A/N: Full disclosure, this is my first fanfiction. I've never loved a character/ship the way I love Bella/Jacob, so until now I'd never really felt inclined to write my own. I have read all of the original canon books and have watched the movies countless times, but wasn't actually that big of a fan during the time they all came out(I was like 7 when the first book was released, haha.). It wasn't till this past year that I really started fixating. I'm not that big of a fan of the canon story, but man do I love twilight fanfiction and other content made by fans. I have a lot of feelings/opinions when it comes to Smeyers and the choices she made with the canon universe, but I'll save those for another time. Just know that my story will probably not be Edward friendly, and very Jacob heavy. I will also be using Bella's character as a self insert (just like Smeyers had originally done when she was writing Twilight). I am a trans queer person, so that will be reflected in my writing.
> 
> *I will also be picking songs to go along with most chapters!
> 
> Closer by Kings Of Leon is where Jacob is at mentally.
> 
> Thanks y'all! -Arty :)

Jacob stared through the wet green foliage, every muscle twitching and jumping as the adrenaline in his blood raced. His breathing was heavy, the cold air around him turning each exhale into little clouds that danced in the corners of his vision. His eyes darted around the back of the house, he'd been staking the place out for what he assumed had been at least a couple hours. He'd wait as long as he needed to, sitting rooted to the spot until she came out. He wanted to see her with his own eyes. His teeth grated together with a harsh noise and he couldn't help letting out a low growl. He still couldn't believe this, couldn't wrap his head around the truth that laid before him. It was all just so unexpected, after all these years. She was alive, she wasn't a vampire, and she was a mere 30 feet away. His attention trailed up to the second story window like they'd done a million times since he'd got there. He'd come through that window so many times in the past. He let out a dark thing that only resembled a laugh, he'd been such a stupid kid. He rolled his eyes, who was he kidding? He was still being stupid. He wasn't even sure what he would do when she finally appeared, he just knew he needed to look her in the eyes. He needed to see for himself that they were still the deep brown he remembered, and not the blood red color that had so often painted his nightmares over the years. He knew already what he would find though, because even from where he crouched outside he could hear her heartbeat. It was like music, bells ringing steadily around him.

His fingers dug into the wet cold earth, frustration and impatience growing in his gut. What was taking her so long? Was she planning on staying in that house all day? Also, who the fuck was the guy in her room? He'd seen him pass the window again and again, every sighting winding him tighter until he thought he'd burst. Jacob had debated crashing through that window more than once during the evening, but every time had somehow managed to reel himself back in. He wasn't sure how much longer he'd last though.

The man in her room pressed his forehead against the window before his face disappeared behind a curtain of fog gathering on the cold glass from where he'd obviously let out a long breath. Jacob watched in morbid curiosity as the guy started drawing something, disgusted at how it made memories of her bubble up in his mind. He'd watched her do the same thing from the exact same spot so many times during their youth, usually when he'd been checking on her during patrols, always when she had a lot on her mind or when she was trying to comfort herself. He'd always found it endearing, but now he only felt malaise and hate as he watched this stranger, uncomfortable with the way he mirrored his memory of her. Jacob turned his attention back to the scrawl, and then felt his heart squeeze before it plummeted into his stomach. The man was drawing stars across the glass, just like the stars she'd always drawn. His nostrils flared with anger as he tore his eyes away in revolt. He ripped his palms deeper into the soil around him, his wolf clawed inside of his ribs.

"Fuck!" Jacob hissed, his brow knitting into a scowl. He'd lost her to that Leech nearly 6 years ago, and now here she was with a new man. Obviously they'd been intimate enough that she'd even let him see the things she only did in private, Jacob hated him with his entire being. The sound of the back door swinging open made Jacob jerk his head up from where he'd been burning a hole in the ground with his eyes. The stranger clambered out onto the porch, his face hidden by a black and white striped scarf and jacket hood. Jacob scoffed, the "man" he'd been watching couldn't have been over 5'2" from what he could tell. He was puny, swimming in his oversize black jacket and chunky black boots, but dammit he smelled just like her. The boy's own masculine scent was masked in honeysuckle and vanilla; it made Jacob shake with rage. She'd been all over him. He watched him pull out a cigarette, light it with shaking hands, and then trot out into the yard and towards the woods.

Several things happened then, before Jacob even realized he was doing them. He burst from the trees, movements silent and precise as he grabbed the boy by the back of his jacket and dragged him into the shadows. He didn't even have time to scream before Jacob had him pinned against the ground on his back, hand on his throat. Jacob let out a snarl, using his other hand to tear away the guy's scarf so he could get a good look at his competition. He would always be competing for her wouldn't he? Never enough, never. He hated this stranger, hated the way her scent rolled off his jacket in waves, hated him for having everything he'd always desperately longed for. Hated himself for letting her get away.

He stared down at the shaking boy, baring his teeth in a feral furry. That's when he noticed freckles that danced across the strangers button nose, and the uneven and battered lips. He stared at them, just as the bottom lip disappeared behind teeth. Suddenly what was left of Jacob's world came crashing down around him. He flinched, falling back in a crouch as the ground spun under him. No, this couldn't be right.

"Jake? What the hell?!" The little voice sounded like it was far away, but Jacob looked up anyways. The boy sat up slowly, the hood of his jacket falling back and allowing him his first good look at the stranger. He gulped, maybe he wasn't such a stranger after all.

"B-..Bella?" the word tumbled from his lips, falling somewhere between them in the growing shadows of dusk. A nervous awkward laugh too loud for that quiet place echoed around Jacob, and he felt his heart squeeze. He wasn't sure if it was from pain, or something else.

"I haven't heard that name in years." Jacob finally met those huge familiar brown eyes, and felt like the wind was sucked from his lungs. "It's Ben now."

Jacob could only sit in silent shock as he stared at the familiar, yet new. He looked into those eyes for what felt like the first time again, and he felt like gravity had suddenly moved. Something deep inside of him clicked into place, and he realized the only thing keeping him from floating away was this person in front of him. It took him a moment to register the sound of distant howls, and he couldn't help but find it appropriate. His pack had felt the wave, and they could see through their alphas eyes that it was true. This all really was, truly unexpected. Jacob Black had imprinted, not on Bella, but on...

"Ben."


	2. Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I've been fixated on writing the past couple days, so I finished this chapter pretty quickly. I really enjoy exploring my own experience as a trans person through my characters, so this story will probably get very dark/hurtful and real at times. Thanks y'all for readin'!
> 
> Warning: Jacob and Ben are very broken people, they are going to do and say very hurtful things, this story is coated in angst so be warned.
> 
> Song: The moon song by Beabadoobee, Oscar Lang  
> ....

"I'm lying on the moon

My dear, I'll be there soon

It's a quiet starry place

Time's we're swallowed up In space,

we're here a million miles away…"

Jacob stared up at the endless night sky, the music drifting from the rabbit's speakers and toward where he laid spread out on a big blanket. The moon was bright tonight, and it was uncharacteristically clear for Forks, the clouds had parted long enough so that every star could be seen. He drew in a long steadying breath, and closed his eyes in an attempt to gather his thoughts and slow his pounding heartbeat. The air smelled like salt, pine, and her; he couldn't help himself as he stole another whiff.

"Jake?"

His hand dug into where he'd been absentmindedly playing with the sand, just the sound of her voice made his stomach do flips. He let the air in his lungs out slowly as he turned his head towards her, and opened his eyes.

She stared at him from where she sat cross legged on the blanket, bottom lip caught between her teeth. He readjusted himself slowly, never breaking their eye contact as he pushed his elbows up under himself. He wanted her to know she had his full attention.

"Yeah, Honey?" He spoke the words softly as he gave her the warmest smile he could manage. She looked at him with an expression he couldn't quite read, before turning her face back towards the ocean. He could tell she was overthinking what she wanted to say. He allowed his eyes to move down her profile, traveling the slopes of her nose, lips, chin, further. Finally his sights landed on her hands, which were fidgeting with a loose string on the sleeve of her flannel. He was patient, he would wait as long as he had to.

"I-...I." The words came out broken, like she wasn't sure of them. Jacob watched her with rapt attention, sitting up all the way so that they were eye level with each other. She didn't look at him as she continued.

"Jake, when I came to you all those weeks ago I was a person in pieces. I was so broken, I was scared that I would start cutting people with all my jagged edges." She sucked in a breath, her hair falling between them like a curtain as she bowed her head. He knew she needed the illusion of privacy, but he itched to reach out and push the lock behind her ear. "I never thought I'd feel whole again, convinced I would live the rest of my life as someone...empty. I spent so long in this constant fog, it covered everything and it was so thick." Bella was shaking now, it made Jacob's heart thump painfully against his ribs. "It blocked out all the light in my life, I was lost like a ship at sea. I couldn't find land, couldn't find-", she sniffled and he could see her move one sleeve up to wipe her face, "Find home again."

Jacob finally broke the invisible line between them, brushing his hand slowly down her arm until he found her free hand. She froze at the touch of near pleading fingertips on the back of her clenched fist, but then gradually allowed him to unfurl her fingers and intertwine his own. "Jacob, you were a lighthouse waiting patiently to guide me to the shore. Your light was so bright, it was my own personal sun guiding me from the dark." She squeezed his hand, and he squeezed back.

"I still don't feel whole, but everyday that I get to see that sunshine smile…" She finally lifted her head, allowing the curtain to fall back. Jacob could see the tears racing down her cheeks, and suddenly he was on his knees in front of her.

Gingerly, with the softest touch he could muster, he wrapped his hands under her jaw and pulled her face up to meet his. He sucked in a breath of air as he stared into those eyes and saw the stars glittering back at him. Fingers wrapped around one of his wrists, gripping him with white knuckles. The pools finally overflowed and Jacob watched as fresh tears raced down towards her chin. He caught one with his thumb and whipped it from her skin. He hurt for her, he remembered the afternoon she'd come to his garage. She'd looked so fragile, nothing behind the eyes. He'd never known Edward, but he hated the guy for leaving her like that. Over time though, he'd watch her come back to life.

"You're the light that keeps me from sinking back into that empty darkness, you're my best friend Jacob. Thank you." It was barely a whisper, but he'd heard every word. He would hold onto them forever.

Jacob blinked against his own stinging eyes and swallowed the lump in his throat. He had a million things he wanted to say to her, but the only words he could make pass his lips summed it all up.

"I love you, Bells." He leaned in and kissed her forehead, pausing there for just a moment before leaning back on the balls of his feet. She looked so small as she met his eyes, her hand still clinging to his wrist like a lifeline. He gave her a tender smile, and reached out to brush a lock of hair behind her ear. Her eyes moved around his face, and then licked her lips. Oh how Jacob wished he could capture them with his, but he knew she wasn't ready for that.

"I love you too." The words were like sweet tinkling music to his ears, and they lit a fire within him.

Suddenly, Jacob was absolutely sure of three things. First, Bella Swan was the single most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Second, he would do everything in his power to piece her back together, until she was finally whole. And Third, He was Unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her.

...

Jacob closed his eyes, his face scrunching into a pained mask. He'd tried so hard to block out that memory over the years, but now it raced like wildfire through him. It burned, scorching every inch it touched. They had been so young, and he'd been such an ignorant child. He couldn't do this, he had nothing left. Life truly was a cruel bitch.

The sudden rustle of leaves jarred him from his loathing and his eyes darted to the sound. Ben had moved so he was completely upright now, legs pulled to his chest. He looked anxious, scared, and worried; his brow knit into lines. Jacob sucked in a harsh breath through his nose, he'd seen that look so many times. The wolf let out a sound that vibrated through his entire being, he obviously wanted to get to him but Jacob wouldn't allow this. He was disoriented, caught off guard by so many sudden life altering changes. The wolf wouldn't stand for it though. His entire being felt like it was being torn to shreds, muscles jumping under his skin from the wolf's growing irritation. He never wanted this, imprinting was just another way that this curse controlled them all. He'd already given up his life to be Alpha of the pack, now it was forcing this on him as well. Jacob let out a choked growl, he was nothing but flames.

"Jake?" Ben's voice was similar to the one from his memories, but there was something different. Bella's voice had been a honey sweet chime, but Ben's voice clung to his senses like dark molasses. Jacob realized then, that he would never hear the soft sound of bells again. He didn't care that the wolf crooned in glee at the boy's call, Jacob didn't want to hear this.

He was on his feet in an instance, pain shooting through every part of his body. It took all of his strength to keep from bursting out of his skin and into fur. He stared at the ground, watching the last of the orange light disappear. All he'd wanted was to see her again, he'd just wanted to see that color he loved so deeply.

"I'm sorry." The words rang out around Jacob, they felt like a violent punch to his face. He stalked forward, grabbing Ben by the front of his jacket as he hauled him up off the ground. He dragged him in close and held him there as a snarl ripped through him. Ben trembled as he found Jacobs eyes, but not a single noise passed over his lips. For a moment they simply stared at each other, deafening silence surrounding them as the sun finally slipped over the horizon. Then, Ben reached up a hand and found one of Jacob's wrists. The skin to skin contact shot a heat through Jacob but this heat didn't burn the same as the smoldering flames that scorched his soul, the simple brush of Ben's fingers made his entire body relax in bliss. He lowered the boy to his feet, but kept his fists balled in his jacket. They stood there, both reeling from the aftershock of it all.

Then Jacob let him go, and took a step back. Ben still had his hand around his wrist, sadness and understanding painted his face. Jacob ripped his arm away, and instantly felt the fire rage back to life. He let out a dark laugh before straightening his back, and allowing a numb mask fall over his face. Ben was holding his hand to his chest, tears flowing slowly down his cheeks. He knew.

"I-..I." The words were so small and coated in pain. Jacob raised up a hand to stop him, and then caught his eyes. They were the same eyes he'd gazed into that day at La Push, the same beautiful chocolate brown, so deep and endless and comforting.

"It would have been better if you were dead." The words were hard, and he shot them like daggers. He didn't care if he didn't mean them, he wanted Ben to hurt the way he hurt. Blood for blood.

Jacob took one last look at him and then ran. He needed to get away from those eyes, away from that honeysuckle smell and those arms he so desperately wished to crawl into. Before Jacob could get away though he heard two faint words, and they dug into his skin like thorns.

"I know."


	3. Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I've been pumping chapters out pretty quickly, but please don't get use to that lmao(I cant handle that kinda pressure). Anyways, I hope y'all have been enjoying my story so far! I'm still trying to piece the world together in my head, and I've also been trying to figure out the time line of everything that will be happening in the story over the course of how ever many damn chapters I'll be making this last, haha.
> 
> *Song: Flesh And Bone by Keaton Henson  
> ...

"Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe.." Ben repeated to himself, he was holding on to the words like they would somehow keep him from drowning. His entire body was shaking violently but he wasn't sure if it was from the cold or the panic attack, probably a bit of both. He knew he needed to get up and go inside but he just couldn't get his legs to move from where they were pressed protectively against his chest. Ben flicked his cigarette before dragging it up to his mouth for another comforting pull. After watching Jacob disappear into the shadows, running from him like a bat out of hell, he'd needed the pick-me-up. Ok, maybe he'd needed a few.

Tears were still streaming steadily down his face and he brushed at them with the back of his sleeve in frustration. He hated how much he cried. He could only imagine how Jacob was feeling.

He leaned his head against his knees, trying to make himself as small as possible. Everything was so fucked up and Ben just wasn't sure how much more he could take. The years he'd been away from Forks had taken a toll on him, and he was trying so hard to heal. That's why he came back after all, he was looking for his lighthouse to guide him back to the shore. He wanted to feel the beach under his feet again.

"I'm so sorry Jacob." The words spilled over his chest with a sob, he felt so crushed for himself and for Jake. He'd felt the blissful heat when they'd touched, and seen the pain and betrayal in the man's eyes. The wolf had finally made his choice, and was dragging Jacob down with him. He'd only had one thing left, and Ben helped take that too. All he'd ever done was take from him.

'It would have been better if you were dead.' The phrase screamed through his mind on repeat, and he couldn't help but agree.

Shivers raced up Ben's back making his teeth chatter, the snow had melted but spring hadn't yet chased the painfully cold nights away. He'd never liked the cold or the wet, and sitting in that chilling darkness only made him crave warmth and sun. Why had he ever run so happily into those arms of icy marble? He couldn't remember now.

He'd only dreamed of one pair of arms for the past couple years though, and dreams would probably be the closest he'd ever get again.

Hesitantly, Ben began unfurling his legs from his chest. Charlie would be home soon and he didn't need him rounding up a search party. He let out a hollow laugh at the memory of that night so many years ago when Sam had found him practically comatose in the woods. He figured if Sam found him now, he'd probably just leave him to freeze.

Ben pushed himself off the ground and started towards the house. He felt unsteady on his feet and quickly reached out to stable himself on a nearby tree. He was still as clumsy as he'd ever been. He patted his cheeks in an attempt to gather himself together, he needed to pick the pieces back up before walking back into it all. He didn't want anyone to see just how weak he still felt.

Finally breaking away from the trees, Ben could see the illuminated back porch of his childhood home. It called to him with promises of comfort, warmth, and temporary protection from his racing thoughts.

He moved up the couple of steps on clumsy frozen feet and then pushed the door open with relief. The house smelled like firewood, spices, and his dad's cologne and it helped chase away the cold. He shrugged off his winter coat and boots, then made a B-line for the kitchen. Before heading outside for a smoke he'd been cooking dinner, that quick break had lasted much longer than he'd anticipated to say the least.

The large worn stock pot sat waiting for him on the stove, Ben hoped he'd remembered to put it on simmer. Pulling the lid off he smiled to himself, the stew he'd been making looked and smelled delicious. He'd always enjoyed cooking, and he had missed cooking in this kitchen. The Cullen's hadn't exactly been interested in his food. He shrugged off the thought and picked up a wooden spoon, stirring the pot before bringing it to his mouth for a taste.

"Are you ok?" Ben jumped at the sudden voice, causing him to fling the content of the spoon all over his sweatshirt and the floor.

"Dammit Leah, you're gonna give me a heart attack one of these days!" He held his chest as he reached for a paper towel, this was his favorite sweater and he didn't want to take a chance of staining it. He quickly ran the towel under water, and then turned to face her before he began dabbing at the spill.

She stood at the far end of the kitchen, arms crossed over her chest as she stared him down with knowing eyes. Leah hadn't been a wolf for a long time, but she'd still retained a lot of their super natural senses; that included the ability to sneak up on him with ease, heightened smell, and amazing hearing.

He huffed out an annoyed breath, wondering just how much she knew of what had happened just 50 feet from where they stood now. Deep down he knew she'd heard it all, he just didn't want to acknowledge it. He didn't want her to know the truth.

"I knew he'd been stalking around the yard for a while but I didn't think he'd snatch you up like that." Ben's eyebrows shot up, he could feel his face turning red. She'd known he'd been here and she hadn't told him?

He'd tried to stay home as much as possible in an attempt to keep his arrival a secret. He wasn't ready for the gossip, the stares, and he certainly hadn't been ready to face Jacob. He figured that trying to stay hidden from supernatural eyes and ears was a futile endeavor from the start though.

"I certainly hadn't expected him to-"

Ben's hand shot up, "Please don't say it." He didn't want to hear the word, he was barely keeping it together as it was.

Leah stopped, and simply nodded in understanding. Instead of saying anything else, she pulled a rubber band from her wrist and started braiding her long raven hair into a tight braid. He'd always admired how beautiful her hair was, how all of her was. It was no surprise she'd found such a profitable career in modeling after getting off the rez. Ben watched her make her way to the counter and open a cupboard. She set two glasses down and then pulled the fridge open, retrieving a bottle of wine. After filling both to the brim she picked them up and carried them with ease to where Ben leaned against the sink.

"Want to watch Supernatural and get drunk before dad gets home?" She gave him her signature smile and held out the wine glass.

Ben eyed the offering and then accepted it gingerly as to not have another spill. Leah winked at him and then turned towards the living room. She'd been his closest friend for the last 4 years and knew exactly how to cheer him up. She'd been one of the main reasons he'd survived this long. He knew she'd never admit it, but he'd been her support system as well. They understood each other more than anyone else ever could.

Ben turned the stove off on his way out of the kitchen and then plopping down on the couch next to her. She gave him a once over before selecting an episode and resting her feet on the coffee table. He opened his mouth to ask, but she beat him to it. "Don't worry, no werewolves in this episode."

…

…

Jacob landed another brutal punch to the already mostly splintered tree trunk. The scent of copper was strong in the air from the blood littering the ground around him, his shredded knuckles spewing red mist with every hit. He couldn't even feel the pain and he knew that if he stopped they'd be healed in mere minutes. Sometimes he wished physical wounds wouldn't heal, at least then he'd have something to distract him from the mental ones. With a final blow the tree let out a struggling groan, and toppled to the forest floor in defeat. Jacob stepped back admiring his work as he wiped his raw hands on his cutoffs, and then he turned to the man in the shadows.

Sam stood stock still as he watched his alpha, not meeting his eyes. Sam knew better than to stare down an irritated wolf. Jacob let a numb mask fall over his face and then made the few strides so that he was standing in front of him.

"Tell Quil, Paul, and Seth that they're running doubles with you. Since He's back in town I want to make sure there aren't any damn leeches skulking around on our land." The words were spoken between gritted teeth, and they made Sam stiffen ever so slightly. Jacob knew that if he wasn't careful he'd end up taking his rage out on more than the trees. Sam simply nodded his head, careful not to give Jacob any reasons to go for his neck.

Jacob looked him over once more and then turned on his heels, heading for another tree with balled shaking fists. He raised his hand to strike, but then paused. Without looking back he spoke another command, "I want all of you keeping a constant rotation around the Swan house, so expand the perimeter to Charlie's property line." There was no reply, but he knew the man heard him.

He rubbed his hand over his face, and then let out a guttural roar. Why hadn't he smelled like leech stink? It took months to get that shit off skin and even longer to get out of clothes, so why had he smelled so damn good? Why was he back after all this time? Why hadn't he been wearing a fucking wedding ring? Jacob had seen his naked fingers when he'd grabbed his wrists. It only made the flames burn hotter.

He reared back and launched his fist clean through the trunk, prickling fire licking at his insides. He couldn't deal with this, but he also had duties as Alpha and falling apart was not a luxury he was allowed. So until sunrise he would beat his way through the trees and then he would gather the pieces of himself off the forest floor and step back into his role. Jacob took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He thought about Ben's face, his last words to him as he ran, and the imprint that now chained them both together. When Jacob opened his eyes again all he could see was red, and he let the destruction begin.


	4. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm really quite flattered by the people who have been following my story, even if there's just a couple of y'all. I typed this chapter out pretty quickly and didn't nitpick it to all hell like I have a habit of doing so hopefully it's not full of errors. I really enjoy writing about Ben and Leah's friendship so be ready for a lot of that in the future.
> 
> *Song: Still by Daughter

Ben's eyes bobbed open slowly, taking his time to adjust to the sudden brightness. Moving his hands around himself he could feel warm wet earth and soft grass, a small sigh escaping his lips. He rolled over lazily and buried his face into the warmth trying to suck as much of it into his skin as possible. He'd been colder than usual lately, so any amount of heat was welcomed with open arms.

Reluctantly, Ben picked up his head and peered around at his surroundings. The sunlight splayed out all around him, coming through the canopy in broken beams of rainbow light. Everything looked like the saturation had been turned up, green foliage looking nearly fluorescent. He admired the colors for a moment, and then something in his periphery caught his interest. He reached out and gingerly plucked a dandelion from a patch of grass and examined it, a lazy smile spreading across his face.

Flipping back over Ben brought the dandelion close to his lips and whispered a wish like a prayer into the little ball of puff. Then he took in a breath of air through his nose, and blew it out.

The little white seeds fluttered into the air, dancing around Ben's vision and drifting above him. He watched in rapt attention as they fluttered higher and higher and then he noticed something. His head cocked to the side as the seeds suddenly began to circle themselves 10 feet above his head, their dance like nothing he'd ever seen. Without warning, they shot off towards a clearing in the trees he hadn't noticed before.

Ben stared after them with wide questioning eyes, and before he'd even realized his feet were moving he was stumbling down the path. His body felt heavy as he tried to keep up with the puffs. He didn't know why, but he knew he needed to follow them.

The moss and fallen leaves were soft underneath his bare feet as he padded down the sunny trail. Trees and bushes seemed to part way as he ran towards the unknown, but all his mind seemed to register was the sound of crashing waves in the distance.

The tufts of white swirled in the wind, moving through the light like twinkling stars. The smell of salt and pine hitting him hard as the ground under his feet changed to sand and shells. Ben stopped in his tracks, momentarily staring down at the new terrain. He dug his toe into the sand, grinning at the feeling and the many memories the beach held for him. He hadn't seen La Push in years, he'd missed it desperately.

He trotted down to the water and splashed along the shore. The waves licked at his ankles and reminded him of simpler times. Better times.

'Ben.'

He peered up searching for the voice, his heart suddenly lunging into full speed. He was alone on the beach, but he knew who the voice belonged to. He could feel it, feel him.

Ben tried to run but this world made it hard to move quickly. He knew where he'd be waiting for him though. The one place that was theirs, and only theirs.

His feet carried him across the shore towards the distant rocks but he couldn't get there fast enough for comfort. He didn't want to be late, not this time.

He rounded the rocks and slowed, searching the beach for the only person he wanted to see that moment. He tried to calm his racing heart, he knew he had to be there. He just had to be.

He moved further around the rocks and then finally that familiar sun bleached tree came into view. The sight of it sitting there alone made his eyes sting and he couldn't help but bring his arms around himself in an attempt to comfort his throbbing heart.

Ben hesitantly padded closer to the log, he eyed its stark white color and the barnacles that clung to its bottom. He swallowed the knot in his throat and reached a hand out, gliding his fingertips over the old wood. They'd spent so much time here together, he'd always loved that it had been like their secret hideout. He'd never even shared it with Edward.

Walking down the length of the tree Ben landed his sights on one of the remaining branches that jutted out of the trunk. There on the branch he could see the carving they had made all those years ago.

J+B, BEST FRIENDS TILL THE END

He ran his hand over it lovingly, remembering the night they'd both cut their initials out of the wood. It had been the first night he'd told Jacob he was his best friend, and the first night they'd told each other I love you.

He turned away, leaving the memory behind him as he moved back towards the water. He shuffled into the shallows, watching the grey-blue water rush over his feet. He didn't want to cry about this, didn't want to break down...not again. Ever since that meeting in the forest he'd found it harder and harder to keep it together everyday.

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry… He chanted the words to himself silently, trying desperately to will the tears away.

The sudden sound of shifting rocks jogged Ben from his pity and he quickly turned on his heels to face towards the beach. He sucked in a gasp at the sight of huge golden eyes.

The huge russet colored wolf stood on top of the low rocks overlooking the water and the white tree, his eyes trained on where Ben stood. He watched the animal with enthralled attention, shocked at how big he'd got since the last time he'd seen him. He figured he shouldn't be surprised though, Jacob had looked like he'd grown at least another foot and gained about 50 more pounds of muscle since he'd left Forks.

Ben waved at the wolf with a timid hand, and then started back towards the tree. The animal watched him carefully, ears pushed down against his head and shoulders hunched. He moved carefully trying his best to not spook the wolf but as his feet came back to the dry sand he heard the animal shuffle back and let out agitated yips. Ben took several steps back into the water, hands stretched out in an offering.

"Jake, please." He tried to speak the words with a calm steady voice, but that wolf only seemed to grow more irritated and anxious.

He decided to try something else hoping it would make the animal more comfortable.

The water was oddly comfortable as he kneeled down in it and turned his eyes towards the sandy bottom. The water moved in odd patterns around his submerged legs, tickling his skin. He dug into the dark grains in search of shells or rocks to distract himself for the moment.

The yips and whines tapered off quickly, and soon all he could hear was the sound of the water drifting around him. The silence made his own anxiety spike but he didn't look up from where his eyes were fixed, he would force himself to be patient.

The sound of a soft chuff brought him back from his reeling mind and slowly he lifted his gaze. The wolf sat near the shore of the water a curious tilt to his head, unreadable golden eyes watching him.

Ben shifted slightly, moving from his knees so that he was sitting cross legged in the shallow water. For a moment they just stared at one another, the air growing heavy with tension and unsaid words. He sucked in a steadying breath and then tried giving the animal a warm smile.

"Hey Jake, do you remember when we used to come here and just sit and talk?" The wolf cocked his head further to the side, like he was trying to understand his words but they weren't quite getting through. Ben ran a wet hand through his hair, pulling the unruly curls away from his face before continuing. "You'd always bring me here when you knew I was having a bad day and we'd stay till the sun went down and sometimes even longer." His hand slid down to the bracelet around his wrist and fingered one of the charms gingerly. "I always loved when the clouds parted long enough for us to see the stars."

The wolf stood and started pacing up and down the waterline, low whines reverberating from his chest. Ben didn't know what else to do, so he just kept talking.

"We'd always try to spot the shooting stars and each time we did we'd take turns wishing on them, because you said your mom always told you that each star could only grant one wish." The wolf shook out his fur several times and only seemed to be growing more anxious. "You'd mess up keeping track of who's turn it was though and give me most of the wishes, and anytime I tried to argue you'd always play innocent and just tell me if i didn't hurry up neither of us would get it." Ben let out a weak laugh as his vision started to blur. "After I left I spent a lot of time wishing on stars, tossing coins into fountains, and blowing on dandelions." He closed his eyes and allowed the brimming tears to roll down his cheeks.

"Jacob, I don't know if you can understand me or if it's all just nonsense to your wolf ears but…" He caught the animals eyes with his own, and took a deep breath "I missed you."

The wolf halted its pacing and just stared at him for a moment with those huge eyes. Then the animal let of a harsh whine as it stumbled back, the muscles under his fur jumping and moving in different directions. Ben gasped, panic making his stomach flip as he watched the animal twitch. His hands flew to his mouth to conceal a scream as fur shredded like fabric and wolfish whines turned to human screams.

Jacob laid in a naked heap, momentarily dazed from the harsh shift. Ben wanted to go to his side, wanted to help, but when the man looked up his eyes solidified him to his spot. The man was on his feet in a single fluid motion, black eyes boring through him and making Ben curl further in on himself.

The world around him seemed to darken instantly, and in the distance he could hear thunder rumbling in. He wanted to swim further into the water and away from the huge wild man on the beach but he stayed put ,locked in those unforgiving black holes. Jacobs' lips peeled back to show off sharp canines and perfectly white teeth, and then he spoke.

"Don't you fucking dare say that to me, don't you dare MOCK me like this." His voice was like poison and it made Ben flinch like he'd been slapped across the face. "Even my dreams can't let me rest."

"I wished for you." Ben slapped his hand over his mouth, but it was too late.

Jacob's face turned into a dark twisted mask and it sent chills up his arms. He felt like prey being eyed by a predator. The man crouched into a position like an animal about to pounce, every muscle tensed for the attack.

"MOCK ME ONCE, BUT NEVER AGAIN. I DIED WHEN HE LEFT." Jacob lunged into the water, teeth bared as his claws reached for Ben's shaking body. He didn't understand what was happening, or why Jacob didn't seem to think he was himself. He moved back in the water, terror and instinct driving him back deeper in an attempt to get away. Pain raced up his arm as he was yanked back to face those bloodthirsty eyes, the sky above them now black with storm clouds. Then, he was screaming.

…

Ben fought against the hands on his arm as he continued to scream and thrash. He was disoriented and terrified by his surroundings, not completely understanding where he was.

"Ben, you're awake! You were having a nightmare! Open your eyes! It's me!" The voice broke through his fight and it washed a feeling of calm down his spine. Leah.

Slowly he stopped trying to get away and slumped back down to his mattress, completely and utterly exhausted. His eyes drifted open to find Leah sitting on the side of his bed, a worried expression painting her face. He sucked in a steadying breath, but found he couldn't hold back the wave of tears.

"Was it the usual nightmare?" Her voice was soft as she moved her hand in circles over his back. He shook his head and pulled the blanket up to his wet eyes. "No, this one had Jacob."

Her hand stopped moving and Ben peered up to find her staring at him with an unreadable expression. He tore his eyes away in embarrassment and peered around the room. They'd been back in Forks for about two weeks now, and it had been about a week since he'd seen Jacob. He'd been experiencing a lot since then. Leah had said the imprint causes changes, but Ben wasn't sure if these were the kind of changes he could handle. He already had constant nightmares about HIM, he didn't think he could take having nightmares about his best friend as well.

"Maybe coming back was a bad idea Bee." Her voice was soft and sure but he knew her. She was scared. He wiped at his face and then sat up so that they were face to face.

"Lee, I'm not going to run away again. I came back for a reason, and I'm not letting a nightmare scare me back to Seattle." They'd been living in Seattle for nearly two years, and until now he'd been too much of a coward to even visit Forks. Let alone move back.

Leah lifted a hand to his cheek and wiped at a stray tear, "He's not the person he was when you left, you've heard what Seth and dad have to say about him. I'm scared you're going to get hurt, especially since there's...higher stakes now." He knew what she was referring to, but they'd only talked about it in code since it had happened.

"Lee, LOOK at me. I'm not exactly the same person he remembers either. I just…" He paused, brushing his hair back with a shaky hand, "I need to at least try."

She looked him over and then nodded her head, "Ok, but i swear to god if he hurts you I'll rip his fucking throat out." Her face was serious, and he knew there was no humor in the statement. "You've been through enough as it is."

Ben laid his head against her shoulder and huffed out a tired breath, "I'll visit often, I promise. I just need to get a couple things sorted out here first. Plus, we can still have virtual midnight margaritas." Leah snorted a laugh and nuzzled his temple. "You better text me everyday, I'll need constant updates on how things are going with the Big Bad Wolf." That got a giggle out of Ben as well and he playfully slapped her thigh, "Big Bad Wolf?"

She shrugged at him and he rolled his eyes as he pulled away from the blankets and stood up. "Well i don't know about you but i am very awake now. Completely and utterly exhausted, but very awake." Padding to the dresser he picked up his phone and checked the time, 6:00am.

"So Lee, how do you feel about greasy breakfast food and hot chocolate?" Ben turned with a smile and found her already heading out of the room, "Read my mind bitch, now get that cute ass in a pair of jeans and lets go. Mama wants flapjacks."


	5. The Diner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Bit of a warning for this chapter, there are several transphobic slurs dropped through the chapter and if that's something that'll make you uncomfortable just know they're there. I'm still working on the overall story and trying to figure out where I want everything to end up, but so far I've been able to get a pretty good idea of how I want the characters to act and functions. I'm still thinking that Jacob and Ben's relationship is going to be a slow burn with lots of angst and hurt but eventually there will be a lot of comfort and love so just bare with me for the chapters to come. Also, I've almost hit 300 views and i'm actually quite proud of that.
> 
> *Song:Running with the wolves by Aurora

Ben pulled the hot cup toward himself, relishing in the warmth that spread through his frozen fingers. The smell of sweet chocolate and greasy food coated the air, making his stomach growl. The diner was just as he'd remembered it, and considering how much everything else had changed, he found it extremely comforting.

He brought the steaming liquid up to his lips and took a careful sip. He'd always loved the hot chocolate here, homemade and topped with lots of whipped cream.

Leah chuckled from across the table and then reached over to wipe her thumb across Ben's top lip. He flushed and then rolled his eyes as she licked the cream from her finger, "Geez, thanks mom." Setting the cup down, Ben pulled the paper place-mat towards himself. He'd picked up several hobbies since leaving Forks, but his true passion had become art.

He produced a ballpoint pen from his jacket pocket and then stared over Leah's features. His eyes studied her face like he was trying to memorize every detail. "Don't move for a minute."

"Dude I've modeled for you about half a million times this year alone, you could probably draw a perfect portrait of me even if you were blindfolded." Her tone was teasing as she leaned forward and rested her hand on her palm, allowing her long braid to fall over her shoulder. He watched her settle into her position and then began sketching. Since becoming roommates and close friends he'd used her as his model every chance he'd got. Could anyone really blame him though?

The diner was still mostly empty and Ben was thankful that they'd arrived before the breakfast rush. He was not ashamed of who he was, but he still wasn't ready for the intrusive stares and questions that came with people finding out. He'd grown used to spending time around people who understood him, like Lee, but he knew that Forks was probably going to be less forthcoming. Small towns were like that.

Leah's assessing eyes moved toward the entrance and then the little bell above the door jingled and was followed by several voices. Ben didn't bother looking up from his place-mat, his hand steadily working away at the shading of her face.

Peering back up at Lee's face, he frowned. Her brow was furrowed and the hand that had once been relaxed was now balled into a tight fist. "Lee, what's wrong?" He slid his hand across the table to touch her arm and her eyes snapped to his face. She was utterly pissed.

"They're talking about you Bee. They spotted you a couple minutes after coming in." Her voice was like ice and it sent a chill down his back. Over the years they'd spent together he'd had to talk Leah's temper down often. You can take the girl out of the wolf, but you can't take the wolf out of the girl.

Slowly, Ben turned his eyes from hers to look around the restaurant. The tiny place was still mostly empty, but then he caught movement in one of the corner booths on the other side of the room. Ah, of course that's who it was. Lauren Mallory,several of her pretty bitchy lookalikes, and a couple guys sat staring and gesturing towards him, it only made him roll his eyes. Turning his attention back to Leah he could see she was now fidgeting with something under the table, her face deadpan as she found his eyes again. He gulped, "Lee it's ok, they're just a bunch of assholes from high-school."

"Bella? Bella Swan? Is that you?" The high pitched voice was exactly as he remembered it, but he did not find this extremely comforting. He didn't bother turning, didn't want to give her the satisfaction. That was not his name and it hadn't been his name for a long time, he wouldn't respond to it now. Instead, he went back to his sketch and silently prayed that she'd lose interest.

"Hello?" He sucked in an exasperated breath, life really was a cruel bitch. Her hands appeared, pink acrylics tapping against the table impatiently. He didn't even raise his head as he responded, "My name is Ben, Benjamin Swan."

She let out a shrieking laugh that was just too loud compared to the rest of the noise in that small diner, he could feel the headache coming on. After his nightmare this morning he was not in the mood to deal with this.

Peering under his lashes, he could see Lee and the thing she'd been fidgeting with under the table. She'd bent a fork into a twisted and bent heap of metal and it now laid out on the table like a morbid art piece. She'd been very protective of him since the moment they'd seen each other in that trans support group and he'd watched her punch out grown men for harassing him. Leah had known who she really was from a young age, and had been on estrogen for years so unlike him she was rarely clocked. Ben on the other hand though was often picked out easily, and although it didn't usually draw too much attention he'd experienced his fair share of name calling and hate. He didn't mind that he didn't look like most men though, he knew himself.

"So like what.." He already knew what she was going to say before she said it, "You're like a tranny now or somethin'?" Leah was out of her seat in a heartbeat and towering over Lauren, lips pulled up in a scowl so that her canines were exposed. She was a predator staring down her prey, it made him shudder as memories of the way dream Jacob had looked at him flashed through his mind. "Call him that again and I'll pull that wiggling thing out of your head with my bare hands." She spoke the words in a hushed tone, so only the three of them could hear her threat.

Lauren shook in her shoes, her big green eyes nearly popping out of her head. He moved slowly from his seat, and then walked around her so that he was standing next to Leah. He needed to calm her down before she did something that would get them in trouble. This wasn't Seattle, they couldn't just disappear into a crowd after this. Well at least his father was the police chief.

"Lee, let's get out of here. She's not worth it." He set his hand firmly on her shoulder, trying to get her to look at him. The diner around them had gone deathly quiet, everyone waiting to see what happened next. God, so much for keeping a low profile. Leah relaxed under his hand and then snatched her jacket off the seat. Shrugging it on she gave Lauren one last look over, "You're lucky he has a heart for ignorant bitches."

She turned her head and found his eyes, "I'm going to go cool off." He watched her until she disappeared from view out the door, and then turned towards the table to gather his things. He'd see her back at the house, she needed time to run off the rage.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see Lauren recovering from staring death in the eyes. She let out a shuddering breath and then turned her claws back on him. He could feel her staring daggers but he promptly ignored her, instead heading for the counter so he could pay and get their food to go.

"Hey Cora, do you mind making our order to go? Sorry for the trouble." He held his head high as he found the waitresses eyes. She studied him for a moment, but then gave him a warm understanding smile. "Yeah doll, just give me a sec'." He nodded at her and then pulled $25 out of his wallet, enough for the cheap food and a nice tip.

He could see Lauren standing just to the side, watching him. "I notice you're not wearing a wedding ring." The words cut deep, but he didn't even flinch. Slowly, he turned his eyes towards her direction. He looked her over, she wore workout clothes and an annoyed look on her face and it made him want to call Leah back in.

He let out a sigh and leaned his arm against the counter, "You're just as boring as you were in high-school." It was a simple insult, but he could tell it made her furious. She scoffed and he simply turned his attention back to Cora as she handed him his food. He finished paying, thanked her, and then walked out of the diner without another word. That woman just couldn't leave well enough alone though.

He was unlocking his truck when he heard her stomping up behind him. "You're a freak, I bet that's why he left you. Faggot." He ignored her again as he set the food in the passenger seat. He should have let Leah punch her. Suddenly he was yanked back painfully by his hair, a yelp escaping his lips as he was dragged away from his truck. He toppled to the ground, hard.

"You think you can threaten me? I'll call you a tranny if I want to, TRANNY." He looked up, trying to figure out who had their hands on him. One of the guys that had been sitting at Lauren's table sneered down at him. Great, he could handle Lauren but this dude was huge. Fuck Leah, now would be the time to whip out an ass beating. He struggled under the firm hand and clawed at the mans skin, but the guy had a good grip on him. "Get the fuck off me." He spoke steadily, but tears were pricking the corners of his eyes from the pain. Lauren let out another shrieking giggle and then reared back to kick him in the side. Ben flinched, braised for the impact but it never came. The hand in his hair pulled away, taking several strands with it. He opened his eyes and quickly got to his feet.

In front of him stood a huge tan shirtless man, and he towered over everyone. Ben peaked around him and saw that the man was holding Lauren's friend off the ground by his neck. Lauren had fallen back on the ground and looked like a horrified deer in headlights. "Consider yourselves lucky to be alive. If I ever catch you FUCKING with him again, there will be blood." The voice was familiar and Ben tried to place a face to it. The huge man pushed the guy away from him like he was nothing more than a 10 pound sack, rippling muscles tense in his back. He landed with a gasp and then scrambled away, pulling Lauren with him. Ben watched them scurry back to the safety of the diner and then looked up.

The man turned, long black hair framing his face like a shadow. Ben recognized him instantly, Paul Lahote. Fuck.

Paul peered at him from under his dark brows, and they just stood there for a moment in heavy silence. Then, the man let out a deep hearty laugh and slapped a huge hand on Ben's shoulder. "Shit Swan, you've grown some balls."

He sucked in a relieved breath and straightened his back, "If only it was that easy, Lahote."

…

Ben sat in the passenger side of his truck staring out the window at the passing trees. His head hurt but he was glad that his injuries weren't anything beyond a couple bruises and some lost hair.

"Does stuff like that happen often?" The words broke the comforting silence and he couldn't help grimacing. "Sometimes, but having Leah around tends to keep the assholes in check." He shifted so that he could peer over at Paul. He'd insisted on driving him home, even though he'd said he was fine.

He paused and ran a hand through his knotted curls, "Hey uh-...Thanks for helping me back there. I was lucky you were around." He watched big shoulders raise into a shrug and met dark coffee eyes. "It wasn't luck." Paul's words were serious and cut through him like a hot knife through butter. The man held his stare, studying his reaction. He had a million questions he wanted to ask, but after the dream this morning decided he didn't want to know answers to most of them. He wasn't ready. "They're not coming back." His voice was small, but he held Paul's piercing eyes. "That's why y'all are watching me, right? Seeing if I brought them with me?"

The man looked at him for a few more heartbeats and then turned his attention back to the windshield. His face was an unreadable mask and it reminded him of the way Jacob had looked in the woods. Ben turned back to the window, his headache finally turning into a migraine. He shut his eyes against the pain and tried taking even steady breaths. The scars under his jacket throbbing, he wished he wasn't so cold.

"That's only part of it." The words made his heart drop into his stomach, and instead of replying he wrapped his arms around his middle in a futile attempt at comfort. Neither of them said anything else during the ride home, and Ben silently thanked him for that.

…

Paul pulled open Ben's door and he slid out of the seat. Holding the 2-go boxes close to his body he made a B-line for the front door. Leah sat on the front steps, peering at them from under her sunglasses. She looked him over and was immediately on her feet. Lee stopped him and looked over his disheveled hair and dirty clothes, and then turned her anger on Paul. "What the FUCK happened to him? What did you do?" She practically growled the words. "What do you mean what did I do?" Paul snapped back. Ben rolled his eyes, what a lovely pack reunion.

"He didn't do anything Lee, those assholes at the diner jumped me after you left." He spoke calmly, not wanting to add more emotional energy to the already growing storm. She turned back, and he knew she was already beating herself up. "I'm ok, Paul put the fear of god in them. I don't think they'll be trying again anytime soon." Ben shifted the food to one arm and grabbed her hand with the other. "I'm alright." She nodded and then bumped her forehead against his. "They're probably lucky it wasn't me because i wouldn't have put the fear of god in them...I would have sent them to meet her." He knew she was probably right.

They looked over each other one last time and then broke into laughter. Leah slung a protective arm around his shoulders before turning them both to face Paul. "Lahote, you stickin' around for breakfast?" He looked her over, big burly arms crossed over his equally burly chest. "Yeah, I could eat." Ben knew this was the closest Lee would get to an apology and thank you, wolves were so proud.


	6. Confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Writing angst and drama is lots of fun, but its also very stressful. I'm looking forward to eventually getting to write comfort and cute stuff ,haha. Anyways I hope y'all enjoy the update, this chapter starts to reveal some things about our boy Ben.
> 
> *Song: No song for this chapter, sorry!

Ben watched Paul from the corner of his eye as the man dropped the last of the few boxes on the little kitchen table, anxiety still creeping through him even after the pleasant morning he'd spent with the wolf and Lee. Paul had stayed for breakfast, and Ben had offered him his own 2-go box due to lack of appetite from the morning's many stressful events. The man had hesitated but after some insisting he'd happily scarfed the french toast and fruit down with an animal like ferocity.

Ben had always been impressed with the speed all the wolves ate, not to mention the amount of food they could squeeze into those human bodies. He thought of the many times he'd watched Jacob eat after finding out about the wolves, and the way his face had looked every time he'd brought him some of his own home cooked meals to have all to himself. He also remembered all of the specially made cookies he'd hidden in his room on the nights he knew Jacob would be coming through that window in his room. He wondered if he'd brought Jake a plate of those cookies now what the man's face would look like. He sniffed a laugh at himself, everything was so messed up.

"Hey, you want me to put these in the bedroom instead?" Paul's question snapped him back to the present and he quickly tried to cover the sadness with a casual smile. "If you don't mind, that would be very helpful." The man looked him over, staring straight through him like he was transparent. He didn't press him though and instead just turned quickly from the small kitchen. "It's no problem at all."

He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, he was both incredibly comfortable and incredibly nervous around that man and both feelings unnerved him. Running a hand through his messy curls for about the millionth time that day, he went back to unwrapping several of his favorite mugs.

Once they'd finished up eating this morning Paul had offered to help them move Ben into his new little rental in the woods. The man had joked that he'd been ordered to stalk him anyways and since the "wolf" was out of the bag, he figured it was more constructive than just peering at them from the shrubs outside. Ben had agreed he'd definitely prefer the first choice.

The cottage was nestled in a nice spot, not too far out in the forest but far enough that he didn't have to worry about prying neighbors(besides the wolves, apparently). The building itself was a two story A-frame with big windows, balcony, and a porch that overlooked an old fire pit. He'd lucked out with the place really, the owner who usually used the place as a bnb had been looking for a trustworthy house sitter to watch the place for the next year while him and his husband traveled around the country and of course who was more trustworthy than the local sheriff's (also queer) son? Charlie knew the men himself and had put a good word in for him, and they'd quickly got back to him. They only required that he pay for utilities and wifi himself, and keep the place in good shape while they were gone. Ben's bank account couldn't be happier.

He'd also been lucky that the place came fully furnished, or else the cottage wouldn't have been filled with much more than a mattress, desk, easel, and his many books and trinkets. He hadn't collected a lot of furniture in the time he'd been living with Lee, he'd just never seen the point.

Sighing a heavy breath, he left one mug out of the cupboard. The few hours of sleep he got last night were catching up with him and he decided it was about time for a cup of liquid caffeine. Moving to the coffee machine in the corner or the kitchen, he poured some of the freshly brewed drink into his mug and then added a generous spoonful of sugar.

Closing his eyes he brought the warm cup to his lips and listened to the sound of rain patter against the little home's roof. He savored the moment of peace, allowing his shoulders to finally relax.

"Ben." The sudden call of his name jolted him from his moment, he opened his eyes and found Paul watching him from the other side of the counter. They silently watched one another for a moment, and Ben could tell the wolf had a million questions swimming through his head. He'd had that look all morning, and he knew that he'd be seeing that look a lot from a lot of people for a while. The mug in his hand found its way to the counter, "Paul?"

The man stood up a little taller, "I have to run out for a bit and let the others know where I am, it's almost time for shift change."

He rubbed his face, he wasn't sure how he felt about having constant wolf babysitters watching him and his new home. Lost for what to say he simply nodded his head. Ben knew it wasn't their faults, Jacob was the alpha and could he really blame him for not trusting him. He'd run off with leeches before, who's to say he wouldn't also bring them back? Who would even believe him if he told them his biggest fear was that they would find him again. He tried to stop it, but an involuntary shiver ran down his spine and he had to brace himself on the counters ledge. Blood red eyes flashed violently through his mind, sharp nails dragging their way through his soul. God, the scars were still so fresh. Even just thinking about them sent his heart and mind spiraling.

A sudden hand came to rest on his back and he nearly jumped from his skin, a small shriek escaping his lips as he practically dove away from the touch. His side slammed painfully against the wall, hands coming up in a defensive position. Fight or Flight instinct kicking in full force. Paul stared at him with big surprised eyes, hand still hovering in the air, "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"BEE?" Leah's alarmed call cut him off mid-sentence and the man turned to see her striding into view. Ben was still reeling, heart thudding painfully in his chest as panic lapped at his insides. "Step back, Lahote." She pulled on his arm and both retreated back, allowing him room to breathe. Lee went to her knees on the other side of the kitchen, "Bee, you're safe. They aren't here, they can't hurt you again baby." His head snapped to where she kneeled and found her eyes, he shook in full body tremors.

"I'm s-sorry." The words fell out of his mouth in a trembling whisper that only supernatural ears could hear. She shook her head and opened her arms to him, patient as usual. He whimpered and then lunged towards the safety of her embrace, terror chasing him the whole way. Lee wrapped him up in her strong body, allowing him to burrow into her like a cub. Head resting on her shoulder he could see Paul from the corner of his eye, the wolf's body was tense and he was staring with a look Ben couldn't quite place. Confusion? Disbelief? Worry?

"Paul, go tell the others where you are. I heard you say shift change is soon. Tell them to send Seth, if they can." The wolf paused for a moment and then gave her a curt nod before disappearing from the room. He silently thanked her for getting him to leave, he hadn't wanted anyone but her to see him like this. He tried to not think about how once Paul phased the entire pack would see the memory, including Jacob. Damn that shared mind.

"Hey, are you ok?" Lee spoke calmly and ran a large slender hand over his back. The question hung in the quiet room for a moment, weighing on him like a hundred pounds of dead weight. He sucked in a breath and then pulled back from where he'd buried his head in her neck. Searching eyes found that familiar chestnut color, she always looked so concerned for him. Silently, he cursed himself for being so weak. "I'm just wound up after today, I'll be ok. I always am." He allowed a smile to cross his face for her, but he knew she didn't buy it. She never bought it.

He pulled himself from her arms and stood, sucking in a breath. Leaning forward and grabbing his earlier abandoned mug he took a long sip of the now lukewarm coffee, "I'm gonna go have a pick-me-up." He could feel her eyes on him as he made his way out of the little nook, but she knew he needed a moment to gather all the pieces in private. Pulling the back door open he was immediately hit by the smell of earth and rain, it calmed him immensely. After grabbing a porch chair and hauling it closer to the railing, he plopped down and tossed his boots up on the low wood rails.

He fished his cigarettes out of his jacket pocket and then ferried one to his mouth. Lighting the end, he pulled in a comforting drag of smoke and tilted his head back. The smoke danced around his face and he watched the clouds in an attempt to clear his head. Rain was still steadily falling, and he turned his head so he could watch it sprinkle around the forest from the dry safety under the awning. At least his new home was cozy.

Tipping his coffee to his mouth he took another long sip, the room temperature liquid doing very little to warm his cold insides. He set the mug back down and then tapped out the butt of his cigarette in the old coffee can he'd set out here for himself. Reaching behind himself he pulled his backpack from the chair he'd left it on earlier and poked around in it for his sketchbook. The old thing was worn on the corners, pieces of different colored papers sticking out here and there. He was rough on his sketchbooks, but also loved them dearly. They helped him process everything, friends who could keep his secrets and handle his breakdowns without complaint.

Flipping to a page, he pressed his black pen to the page and allowed his hand to lead the dance across the paper. Two sets of eyes appeared side by side, both angry and vicious but in different ways. One set looked hungry and violent, the eyes of a killer ready to strike. The second pair looked hurt and heartbroken, the eyes of someone who has been stretched to thin and has lost everything. They had been pushed too far to keep up appearances. His hand worked quickly, dropping the black pen and picking up three markers. He colored the first pair a bloody red, the color of his nightmares. Then he moved on to the second pair, taking his time to color the left eye a beautiful gold and the right eyes a onyx black. He stared down at the finished drawing, and let out a sigh. Then something Jake had said in his dream crossed his mind, and he only found it fitting to include, "Even my dreams can't let me rest." He set the sketchbook on the little table next to him and dragged his legs up to his chest. Both sets of eyes would always haunt him, but for different reasons. His head felt a thousand pounds as he dropped his forehead against his knees, slow tears falling down his pale cheeks.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there like that but the sound of angry voices behind him quickly tore him from his addled mind. He picked his head up just as the back door was pulled open. He stiffened, pulling his legs as close to him as possible as a whimper escaped him. Jacob stood in the doorway, black eyes watching him from the shadows of his frowning brow. His body took up the entire entryway as he stepped out of the house, neck bending to make it through.

"Black, I swear to god." Lee's voice followed behind him but he didn't dare break his eyes away from the wolf stalking him across the deck. He knew he was a small guy, but at that moment he felt minuscule. He didn't even dare to breathe, too nervous to make even the slightest movement. He wanted to run from that place, but that would be a mistake. Never turn your back on a hunting wolf, they will give chase.

Finally, the man turned his eyes away and he allowed his burning lungs to pull in air. He relaxed a little, turning his head to see Leah, and several other men still standing inside. He gulped, apparently Jacob had brought backup. Paul caught his eyes, and for a moment he thought he saw worry flash across his face. He studied the two other faces and immediately recognized Seth Clearwater and Sam Uley, great.

Out of the corner of his eye he noticed movement and immediately snapped his head to the alpha of it all. Jacob was staring down at the little table where his sketchbook laid open for all to see. A searing hot blush raced across Ben's skin, and he quickly reached forward to snatch the book from prying eyes. Jake met his eyes for a single moment, and the look he gave him tore at Ben's insides. The mask the man wore had wavered for a single second and he saw all the way down to that soul on fire. Then it was gone, sealed shut once again.

Ben closed the sketchbook, stuffing it between his thighs and chest. Everyone's eyes were on him, and it only helped deepen the blush on his face. Jacob didn't move a muscle.

"Can this wait?" Leah's voice broke the deafening silence once again and he peered up to see her watching the wolf.

"No, the council requires answers." His voice was cold steel and spoken like a command. She wasn't fazed, "Answers to what exactly?" Leah moved towards where Ben sat, trying to put her body between him and Jake. A low growl reverberated from the man's chest, every muscle in his huge bare upper body tensing. She stilled immediately, instinct obviously taking over as her head cocked subtly to the side to bare her neck to her alpha. She might not phase these days, but Jacob still made the calls for the wolf in her.

The man stalked forward, passing by Lee's stiff body and coming to rest against the railing in front of his chair. He was so close that he could feel the heat rolling off his body in waves and for a moment he longed to bury himself in it, the distance between him only emphasizing how cold his own body was. The moment died though as Jacob spoke again, "What happened between you and the Cullen's? You told Paul they aren't coming back, why?"

His stomach flipped, this wasn't a conversation he was ready to have. He wasn't ready to lay himself bare for everyone to see. He pulled his lip into his mouth and as he tried to think of something to say, "They're just not, why does it matter what happened?" The sentence was mumbled, and spoken to the floor. His scars ached under his jacket at the mention of their name and he rubbed a hand over one in a feeble attempt to stop the throbbing.

"Did you break off the marriage?" The question was curt and he could tell Jacob was looking for blood. "Yes, we're not married." His heart raced through his chest and he feared for a moment that he'd have a heart attack. He'd never get that lucky though.

"You don't think he'll come back for you?" That made him sniff a humorless laugh and then finally lift his head. Big onyx eyes bore into him unforgivably, but he stared them down anyways. The trembling in his body stilled, and he stood. "No." He wasn't sure how long they stood there like that could have been seconds or hours, but eventually he turned away from the wolf and headed for the safety of his new home.

Big fingers encircled one of his wrists, and it forced a hiss from his teeth. For one glorious moment his entire body was lit with a warmth that chased the frost from his insides, he drank it in happily. It was ripped away just as quickly though, "WHY?" The man's voice was angry but firm, it made his own temper spark. Embers of fear and frustrating igniting a small fire that was quickly making its way up his being.

"Why does it matter, Jacob?" His voice was deadpan as he spoke, he didn't want to show any more weakness today. "Just answer the question!" His voice boomed and echoed in that small porch, but it only fueled the rage building inside of Ben's bones. He turned on his heels, dropping his sketchbook to the ground as he crossed the few steps between them. The wolf dwarfed him in size, but it barely fazed him. Finding his dark eyes from under that scowl he faced down the predator, "You want to know why he's not coming back, Jake? Huh?" The man scoffed but it only drove Ben on, "It's because he thinks I'm fucking dead."

His words hung heavy around all of them, all but Leah caught off guard by his confession. His spike of fueling anger was fading fast and he quickly snatched the sketchbook off the ground and ran for his room. Squeezing through big bodies he didn't bother to turn and see if Jacob was following him. He didn't stop running until he slammed the door closed and had it locked. Deep down he knew the lock would do nothing against supernatural werewolves, but he silently prayed that they would give him this private moment.

Things were so fucking complicated.


	7. Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I love Leah and Seth so much, they deserved better in the canon books. All the wolves deserved better than what they got in the canon books though. More and more things about Ben's life and past are being revealed and this poor boy has been through so much, I live for the drama and angst though so strap in. Big thank you to those of you who have favorited/followed my story. I find it really exciting and inspiring, y'all will be my fuel to finish this story. The songs that go with this chapter are for the part in the middle, you'll see what i mean lol.
> 
> Songs: Burnin' up by The Jonas Brothers AND Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

"It's because he thinks I'm fucking dead." The words hit Jacob hard as they were practically spat at him. He wanted to say more, ask more, but Ben turned and ran from him before his mouth could catch up with his brain. The howl in his soul caused his bones to vibrate painfully under his skin, the wolf wanted to chase him and drag him into protective paws and pelt. Paul's memory of Ben's terror dug into his heart like razor blades. What had happened to him? What had they done to him?

"It's best we leave him alone for now, if you keep pushing he'll only shut down." Leah's voice was brimming with agitation and spoken like a warning, he decided he'd take her advice for now. Jacob made his way to the chair Ben had been sitting in and lowered himself down. The smell of honeysuckle, vanilla, and something masculine swam around him and he tried to casually drink it into his lungs. If he got lucky, maybe he would drown in it.

Lacing his hands behind his neck he turned his attention to his wolves, "Paul, Sam, go run your patrols and then trade off with Jared and Embry. Seth, stay around the house with your sister." The three men nodded at him and then the two older wolves broke off and ran past him down the porch steps towards the surrounding forest. He could feel her eyes boring into the side of his head, she'd always been so protective of her own. "What happened to him?"

Leah's arms crossed over her chest, "It's not for me to tell you, Black." She sighed and brought one hand up to smooth down her hair, "He's a lot better though, things used to be really...really bad." His anger flared and he had to take a deep steadying breath, he focused on the heartbeat upstairs to keep him calm. "So you two have been together for a while?" Seth had mentioned little things about Leah and how she was doing, but he'd certainly never said anything about him moving in.

She stiffened, "We found each other about 4 years ago." He stood so fast that the chair crashed into the railing with a crunch of wood, he ignored it. "He's been with you in fucking Seattle for 4 years?" Seattle was a mere three hours from Forks, he'd been that close but had stayed away until now? The heartbeat upstairs sped up, emphasizing just how close he'd been but how far away he still was. He'd always been just out of Jacob's reach. "Seth, you told him where i was staying?" she turned to stare down her brother, "What? Pack mind doesn't exactly allow for secrets!" Seth crossed his arms, annoyance painting his face. "Which is probably why Ben didn't tell me who he used to be.." She let out a frustrated huff at his pouting, "It's what he wanted Seth, I wasn't going to out him."

"What are you two talking about?" He was growing frustrated, he wasn't used to not being in control of a situation. The alpha in him couldn't help letting out a growl. The siblings looked at each other and then at him, "Ben was living with me for so long that eventually Seth met him during one of our family phone calls. They became fast friends and the three of us started doing group calls. We'd just talk or play games online. He felt really bad keeping things from you bro, but he wanted to wait to tell you because he wasn't ready for all of Fork's and the rez to know that his marriage went up in flames. Oh, and that he's no longer who he was when he left."

Jacob ran a hand through his hair as he started pacing along the small deck, silence falling on the group for several minutes. The only noise was the rain steadily falling and that anxious heartbeat that pounded like music for every supernatural ear near the house.

"Seth." The wolf straightened at the sound of his alphas call, "Stay around the house, I'll send someone out to trade off later. I'm going to tell the council there's no threat." He turned his head up towards the ceiling, little footsteps calling him to the room upstairs. He'd seen the drawing in Ben's sketchbook and read the phrase he'd written under those haunted eyes. If only he hadn't been such a violent impulsive idiot, the stories said imprints could share dreams. Ben thought it was just a nightmare, how would he react if he knew it had really been him in his dream?

He turned to leave, fire lapping at his heels as he burned alive. "Jacob." Leah's voice broke through his ragging mind and he turned his head to catch her eyes. "You can't force this one, be gentle." They held each other's eyes for several moments and then he ran, leaving the shredded remnants of his shorts in his wake as he crashed through the trees.

Gentle? He wasn't even sure he knew how to be gentle anymore. If he wasn't careful, would he drag Ben down into the burning flames with him? Would he even allow himself to take that chance?

…

The brush raced across the canvas, black paint leaving void in its war path. When he was having a hard time Ben always turned to painting for help, and it always held his hand through processing his deepest fears and highest hopes. Today was filled with fears.

Gentle tapping sounded from his door and he wearily turned to it, "Who is it?" They'd left him alone for several hours but he figured it couldn't last much longer. "It's just Lee, can I come in?" Setting his pallet down he stood from his spot on the floor and crossed the room. Hand on the knob he took a deep breath and then unlocked it before pulling it open. She smiled at him on the other side, "Hey baby, how ya' doing?" He stepped back to let her in and then quietly shut the door.

"I'm doing better, a little tired." That was a complete understatement, he was absolutely exhausted. She gave him an understanding look and then turned her attention to his work in progress, studying it the way she did all his pieces. "Wow Bee, gorgeous and haunting as always." The painting was a mess of arms, all reaching and clawing out in different directions from a central point in the middle of the canvas. They were discolored, thin, and trickles of blood ran off their fingers. The black background sucking in all the light and making them look like an image straight out of a horror movie...or a nightmare.

"Thanks." He lowered himself on to the bed in the opposite corner of the room and she followed him. She tossed his blanket over both of them and found his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. "It's going to be ok, eventually." Ben's fingers fiddled under his sweatshirt's sleeve until he found the charm bracelet. He ran his skin over the little wooden wolf like he'd done countless times over the years. Swallowing thickly he looked up at her, "Lee, I don't even know how to be around him anymore. I know dad and Seth said he'd changed, but I didn't realize…" She squeezed his hand again and nodded, "I know."

"I don't know what I thought would happen, I guess I was hoping he'd be happy to see me at least?" A dark humorless laugh crossed his lips, "Selfish as always."

"I could stay longer, another week maybe?" Lee was a good friend but he knew he needed time to get his own shit together without her holding his hand, and she needed time to take care of herself as well. "Don't be dumb, you have a huge show coming up next week and I'm not letting you miss it." She'd been asked to walk for a big name designer after several of her photos had gone viral on social media, if the gig went well she could be looking at a career changing opportunity.

"Bitch, if this show goes well I could be looking at opportunities with Vogue." She let out a laugh and then ruffled his hair, "Lets not forget that you also have a show coming up too though. My little artist is growing up!" He sighed, he'd been invited to display his work at a gallery in Seattle in a month. It would be his first show at a legit gallery, and he was excited for the opportunity but he'd been selling art and posting online as an alias. He'd needed to keep a low profile the last handful of years, he knew that he was no longer looking for him and that Alice wouldn't be looking for him in her visions but he didn't want to take any chances.

The gallery had agreed to keep his identity classified, he'd appreciated that. He would be attending the show but not as the artist, he just wanted to stand in the back and watch the people examine his work. Leah was going with him as his plus one and moral support.

"Hey.." She pulled him from his thoughts, she always knew when he was getting to in his head. "We've been cooped up for 2 weeks now, and I leave in just a couple of days. Seth's downstairs and has been ordered to keep an eye on us, how about we have some fun with it?" She gave him a sly smile, and he already knew what she was planning. "Lee, I don't know if he's ready to handle us." Leah stood and then pulled him up with her, "He fights vampires on the regular, wrestles his huge wolfy brothers, and has been juggling the safety of the tribe since he was 15...he was born ready!" Her cackling laugh echoed through the house as she threw open the bedroom door. "Hey little bro, come on we're going for a drive!"

...

"I'm slipping into the lava, and I'm trying to keep from going under! Baby you turn the temperature hotter cause I'm burnin' up, burnin' up for you baby!" The music blasted out of the open windows into the dark night, the noise only matched by their offkey singing and laughing. Seth sat in the driver's seat with a dorky smile on his face, low voice bellowing above his and Leah's with ease. During their many calls over the years Seth had heard Ben and Leah scream to old throwback music more than a handful of times, but he'd mentioned that the in person experience was much more entertaining.

They'd run to one of the small gas stations near town to stock up on snacks, Slurpees, and cheap lotto tickets. When Leah or Ben were in the dumps this had become like a ritual for them, they would stock up on simple pleasures and then drive around screaming throwback pop and emo music while eating junk until their throats and stomachs hurt. Then they'd go home and watch crappy horror movies until they drifted off to sleep on the couch together. They figured they could let Seth in on the fun too.

Ben was happy to finally not be hiding who he was from him, he'd become a pretty good friend over the past couple of years. He'd apologized to him earlier for not telling him, but like always Seth had taken everything with stride and told him that he understood why he had to keep his secret even if he'd been butt hurt about it at first. Then, he'd given Ben a big hug and a brilliant smile. He'd appreciated it, but it still stung a little.

He'd enjoyed the escape tonight, but in the back of his mind he could only think about how much it all made him miss Jacob. When they'd been best friends, they'd had nearly the same ritual and having Seth's big warm body sitting in the driver's seat only emphasized how much he wished it was Jake sitting there. Taking a long sip from his Slurpee he tried to let his thoughts fade back to the music and happiness surrounding him. He turned his head to Lee who sat next to him and she smiled at him, "Hey guess what time it is!" He rolled his eyes at her as he prepared for his friend's favorite.

"The smell of your skin lingers on me now.." Fergie's "Big girls don't cry" vibrated under his feet and he couldn't help but start belting the words. "I hope you know, I hope you know, this has nothing to do with you!" They reached across the seats and grabbed each other's hands, singing at each other dramatically as Seth laughed at them. "Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?" He let out a groan, "Fergie you have no idea!"

…

Ben tossed a blanket over Leah's sleeping body, she'd barely made it through the first movie before passing out cold. He sniffed a laugh and reached for the remote to flip off the TV. He was looking forward to crawling into his bed tonight, it had been a very long day.

"Ben." peering up he found Seth watching him with those eyes, their color was a near match to his sisters. "Your uh-.." He cleared his throat, sitting up a little in the chair he'd been lounging in. "I noticed your truck is in need of a tune up, you should bring it by the garage in a couple of days. Let me work on it for ya'." Ben stiffened as he searched the man's face, "You mean the garage on the rez?" In other words, Jacob's garage. Leah and Seth had mentioned that the pack had started a business as a way to keep everyone in the same place and raise money for their double lives.

"Yeah, you won't find better prices or better mechanics anywhere else." A smile grew across the wolf's face but it didn't quite reach his eyes. Seth was sweet, but there seemed to be an ulterior motive behind his invite. "I'll admit that she could probably use a checkup, but why do you really want me to come down to the garage?"

Seth feigned insult, grabbing his chest dramatically. "Ben, I'm hurt that you think I have a secret reason." He crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking him up and down in suspicion. He put his hands up defensively, "Ok, ok, I get that you don't believe me. Just trust me though, come down to the place and check it out."

Ben let out a huff of air, contemplating the request for a moment. He was still nervous about being around Jacob, and he wasn't sure about how he felt about being around the other wolves. He'd known most of them for a short time, but it had been so long and he was sure most of them still saw him as a traitor. Part of the reason he'd come back though was to try and earn back Jacob's trust and possibly even his friendship. Buck up Swan, "Ok, I'll come but I'm gonna bother you the whole time because your sister won't be there to keep me entertained."

The man let out a cheerful laugh, "It's a deal."


	8. Garage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Here's a nice long chapter for ya! I hope y'all enjoy the drama and Ben having a very hard time constantly. Also enjoy Jacob being as confusing as ever because I really just love making him hot and cold with his feelings and actions.

"Call me when you get back home, ok?" Ben hugged Leah close, nuzzling himself against her chest. They'd been nearly inseparable for four years and now they would be hours apart, neither of them were excited about it but they both knew it was time. "Bitch, I'll be calling you nearly everyday! Who else is going to watch reruns of Jersey Shore with me and listen to me yell at the TV? Also, I want midnight margarita time in a few days, so be ready to get down to lime in the coconut!" She nudged her forehead against his and then grabbed his right hand with hers, "Your blood, my blood, our blood baby!" She emphasized the statement by planting a kiss to their joined fingers.

He let out a wet laugh, wiping at his face with his free hand. "I love you, Lee. I'll see you in a month." He felt her press another kiss to his forehead, using it as a distraction while she dabbed at her own face. "God Bee, you've made me soft over the years!" Ben lifted his head and they just stared at each other, hands still clenched together between them. They'd been each other's best friends, support system, and knew each other nearly better than they knew themselves.

"I'm going to miss you." They said the statement simultaneously, flinging their arms around each other once again. Lee lifted him off the ground, spinning him around the yard as he giggled like a mad man. "I swear to god you better stay in one piece while I'm gone, if any of those boys give you trouble I won't hesitate phasing just so I can tear any one off them to shreds. No one messes with my Bee except me!" He rolled his eyes, burrowing his head into the crook of her neck. "Don't worry, I can handle my own for a little while."

Leah set him on his feet, taking one good final look at him. "Ok, I'm off! If i don't pull myself away now, I might end up finding an excuse to stay." They bumped their foreheads together one last time and then he was watching her pull down the dirt drive while they both screamed 'I love you's' and profanity until she disappeared.

The sudden silence weighed on him as he turned back towards the little house. "Ok Swan, you're a big boy now." He sucked in a breath and then marched up the couple steps and into his new start.

…

He set the pan of brownies in the passenger seat of his truck, and then tossed his backpack on the cabs floor. His heart had been racing all morning from the anxiety of finally heading down to La Push, he'd been putting it off for days but now that Leah was gone he'd run out of excuses.

"Come on, it's not like they're gonna bite ya' damn head off." He muttered to himself as he swung up into the driver's seat. It was still early in the day, the chill of morning still hanging around making him shiver. Starting the truck he flipped on the heater, pressing his fingers to the vent in hopes of thawing them before he had to have them wrapped around the wheel for nearly an hour.

Peering out of the windshield towards the woods he couldn't help but wonder who was watching him today. Seth and Paul would come up to the house when they were on guard duty, but most of the time the wolves stayed in the shadows. It was unsettling to say the least, but at least he knew what was skulking around in the dark. At least they weren't hunters of his kind, and they'd protect him from those that were.

With his hands finally warmed he grabbed up his phone and flipped through his music, he needed something to psych himself up. Finally finding what he was looking for he grinned and queued up his favorites. 'Wobbly' by Ezra Furman blasted out of his speakers, his voice screaming along with the lyrics as he shifted into drive and made his way down the dirt drive to the road.

The drive passed in a blur of anxiety, music, and overthinking. He hadn't seen Jacob since he'd practically screamed his confession about the Cullen's at him, would the man even allow him in the garage or would he try to interrogate him some more? Ben tried to not think about the worst option, that he'd just ignore him all together.

Once across the rez line he made his way steadily towards where Seth had instructed him. He couldn't help the small sad smile that spread over his lips, the truck he drove now was not the one his dad had bought from Billy all those years ago. It wasn't the truck Jacob rebuilt for him, he missed that old girl.

He rubbed the dashboard of his current truck lovingly, "Don't worry baby, I love you too but that truck was a beautiful monster." He'd driven that thing back and forth from Forks to La Push a countless amount of times at one point. Now here he was a near stranger to a place he'd spend so many hours with his best friend, in a truck that had never traveled over the roads he knew so well.

Soon the garage was coming into view, the sight of it shooting his heart into his stomach. The place was a respectable size, the rocky parking lot littered with various cars and trucks. The big doors were wide open and he could see several people working inside. The closer he got, the more of them seemed to be looking up and staring at his truck. He parked in one of the open spots, rubbing a shaking hand over his face. "You can do this." Laying his head on the steering wheel he closed his eyes in an attempt to gather himself together before doing the walk of shame up to the front.

His driver side door was suddenly pulled open, "Hey Ben!" He nearly flew out of his skin, a small yelp escaping him as his head flew back into the headrest. "Fuck Seth! I swear to god between you and your sister I'm going to die of fright!" He looked up from his seat and found the man's face, "Sorry dude!" He let out a snicker and Ben punched his arm, he knew it would hurt him more than the wolf but it was the principal of it. "What do you think it's funny?"

He unbuckled and then pulled himself from the cab, playfully nudging Seth away from him. "I'm going to put a bell around your damn neck." The man followed him to the other side of the truck, both of them trying their best to conceal laughter. Ben handed him the platter of brownies and then swung his backpack up on his own back before shutting the door.

"Wolves can eat chocolate right? Or should I have the vet on standby?" The man rolled his eyes, "Ha ha, wow Swan look who got a sense of humor!" They snickered and sent jabs at each other as they made their way up to the open doors. The smell of oil and grease was powerful and it brought back memories of working on motorcycles in a barn with his best friend, he tried his best to not look for him among the faces peering out at them.

"Swan!" Paul jogged over, he was covered in oil stains and had his arms wide open for a hug. "Lahote don't you dare!" Ben moved behind Seth, putting the man's body between them. "Oh come on Swan, it's just a little grime!" Seth and Paul let out hearty laughs as he ran from the wolf's arms, "I swear to god Paul, I will find a way to kick your ass!"

"Oh I look forward to that, kid." Lahote was suddenly in front of him, big hands grabbing him by the waist ready to lift him into bigger arms. The man froze, face dropping along with his hands. Ben stared at him with a puzzled expression and turned to Seth and noticed that he was also standing unmoving and stiff. The puzzle pieces clicked together quickly when he saw Jacob, he stared at them with a look of fury. He couldn't help shrinking back behind Seth's rigged body, the silence was deafening.

"Lahote, get the fuck back to work!" He was gone in a flash, but Ben was more focused on the back of Seth's shirt. He could hear gravel crunching under boots, Jacob was heading towards them. "What is he doing here?"

"His truck needs a tune up, I told him to come by and let me work on it." He spoke steadily, but Ben could tell that he was trying his best to not further his alpha's anger. "You have orders to fill already, when were you planning on fitting him in?" Jacob's voice was stern, he couldn't see him from where he stood but he could picture those eyes.

"I'll work something out." His reply came not even a beat later, "No." There was a pause between words, and he was on edge just waiting for something to blow. The anxiety was too much, he couldn't help the words from tumbling from his mouth. "It's fine, I'll go somewhere else." He turned, he wanted to run back to his truck but he figured that was a bad idea so he tried to keep his pace a steady walk.

He could feel a sudden warmth behind him and it halted him in his tracks, he stood as still as he could manage. "I'll take a look at the truck." Ben's heart pounded against his chest, and he tried to will himself to turn around. Eventually he got his feet to move and he peered up at those onyx eyes, "Why?"

He looked caught off guard by the question for a moment but rebounded quickly, "You're a paying customer." The answer hit Ben like a fucking truck to his to his chest, "Oh." His fear was quickly turning to anger and he turned back towards his truck. "My money will be good anywhere then."

He tugged open his door just to have it slammed back in his face. The force made him jump back in surprise and straight into a chest as hard as a wall. The sudden enveloping warmth that spread through his entire body felt like pure unfiltered bliss, for the first time in days he didn't feel like he was icing over inside. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes, leaning into the heat in an attempt to draw as much of it into his body as possible. He couldn't even remember why he'd been upset or even where he was, the only things he could comprehend in that moment was the warmth and a strong thumping heartbeat he could listen to for hours.

Then the moment was over, ripped away just as quickly as it had come. He shivered, teeth chattering painfully as the numbing cold climbed back over his body. He wrapped his arms around himself as he turned in search of his sun. Jacob stood several feet away with his arms crossed over his chest. "You're already here and the next closest mechanic is in Port Angeles."

Ben gaped at him, his brain still reeling from the hit of straight ecstasy he'd experienced. He suddenly felt like crying as the ice in his veins sent another tremor down his spine, "Ok, Jacob." His legs felt like jelly as he moved towards the man, god how he wished to bury himself in those big arms he'd missed so much and only seemed to miss more everyday. Jacob sidestepped and he let autopilot carry him up to the garage doors.

...

He wasn't sure how he'd found it or when he'd sat down on the grease stained couch, but the next thing he tuned in for was someone calling his name. "Ben! Dude!" He followed the voice and ended up meeting familiar eyes. Seth was staring at him with a worried look and holding out a dripping water bottle. "Sorry, guess I've been spacing." He accepted the drink with a weak smile and then sat it on the little table in front of him. The man squatted down beside him, "I'm sorry, I didn't say it but I didn't think he'd be here today."

Ben searched his face, "You didn't think he was going to be here? What was your reason for having me come out here then?" He'd honestly figured it had something to do with Jacob. "I just wanted you to come see the garage and hang out with some of the guys. They've been wanting to meet you and it makes us all a lot more comfortable having you on our land." He rubbed his neck and let out a coughing laugh, "Also I thought maybe having your smell around might calm him down some, but he was supposed to be busy today. I guess the meeting with the council fell through and he got one of the other guys running patrols."

Seth's answers only made him want to ask a million more questions, "Why would they want to meet me?" His voice was empty as he asked it. "Ben you're our Alpha's imprint, that's kind of a big deal. Also, even though some of us technically met you years ago we didn't get to meet YOU. We didn't know Ben back then."

He didn't know how to react, coming here today was an emotional roller coaster and he didn't care for roller coasters even in the best of times. "You're a good friend Seth, this is just...a lot." He ran his hand through his curls and pulled back his hood, allowing it to fall. "I just kind of figured everyone would be uncomfortable having me around." The wolf shrugged at him, "It'll take time, but everyone just figures...you've been through enough already."

Great, they were pitying him after seeing his slip up through Paul's eyes and finding out about the Callens. He couldn't help but wonder how they'd feel if they actually knew half of his secrets. He hoped they never would, "When's the next time you're patrolling around my place?" He wanted to change the subject, escape that look he had in his eyes. "Tomorrow, I'll be around from dusk till dawn."

"Good, you can join your sister and I for our digital date." He rolled his eyes and stood up, "Can't wait to listen to her scream at reality tv show reruns again." The man gave him a reassuring smile before turning back towards the workshop.

Looking around he finally took stock of his surroundings. The makeshift "waiting room" was mostly made up of mismatched furniture and was set up just in the back of the garage, he could still freely watch the men at work. Off to his left was a hallway that he assumed would contain a bathroom and office possibly. Rock music and various tools rattled around him and he suddenly realized just how loud it was in here, he was thankful he'd remembered his good headphones this morning.

Pulling his backpack up from the ground he rooted around in it until he found them. He queued up a playlist and then pulled his sketchbook out along with various pens and pencils. He could see several of the wolves at work from where he sat and he wanted to use the opportunity of free models to get in some interesting sketches.

He sat there for several hours, sketching until his hand hurt and his legs were littered with pencil shavings from the many times he'd had to use his pocket knife to re-sharpen his tool. He flipped through the filled pages of various levels of detailed drawings, he'd even broken out his watercolors for a few of them. If nothing else good came from today, at least he'd been able to get some good practice out of this mess.

He set his sketchbook down on the coffee table to allow a wet page to dry. Standing up he made his way to the hallway in search of the bathroom. There were only two doors, one on either side but neither were marked. 'Great.' He thought to himself in a huff. He decided to go with the one on the left. The door was white, thin, and opened with ease as he pushed his way through. The room was dark even with the light that trailed in behind him. He searched the wall for a light switch but had to walk further in to do so. Finally finding the switch he flipped it eagerly, ready to be out of the dark.

It was not the bathroom, but a small office. The room was furnished with a desk, chair, computer, side table and well loved sofa. The desk was littered with paperwork and notepads, the stacks leaning precariously in a way that made him very nervous. Looking at the couch he could tell someone was sleeping in here, or that the boys would at least come nap in here sometimes. The pillows blankets looked like someone had just rolled out of it. He was turning back out of the room when something on the side table caught his eye. The picture frame was wood and scuffed and it was rough under his fingers as he snatched it off the table.

He felt a mixture of emotions as he stared at the photo. His old face and a younger Jacob stared back at him, smiling faces beaming out of the picture. God they'd been so young, and he'd been so blind and stupid. He nearly slammed the frame back down as he put it back in its place, tears already slipping down his face. He'd kept a piece of him near where he slept, a part of him that no longer existed. Dysphoria, anger, and sadness reared their necks at him and he tried his best to get a hold of things before the roof caved in on him. He wiped a frustrated hand over his cheeks, "He fell in love with her Ben, not you." He spoke the words to himself, the harsh reminder making his heart feel like it was being held in a death grip. "No one has ever fallen in love with you, it was always her for both of them."

He straightened the old photo and then swung around to leave, he needed to get out of this room. It smelled like Jacob and held a life he'd never truly been a part of. He froze as he nearly slammed into that chest again. He could feel his face growing hot from both his embarrassment and the heat that radiated out of the body in front of him, in that moment he thought dropping dead wouldn't be so bad. Neither of them moved and he didn't dare look up at those eyes. He gulped, "I'm sorry...I was looking for the bathroom." His voice was little more than a whisper, his heartbeat nearly blocking it from his own ears. Jacob didn't say a word, Ben didn't so much as breathe too deeply.

The silence dragged on and finally he couldn't stand it any longer, he tried to find an opening around him but the fear of touching him again stalled him. He didn't think he could handle having that warmth ripped away a second time today. He didn't see any other choice though, he sidestepped around him and nearly crumbled as their shoulders brushed. His eyes were filled with stars as the touch shot warmth and euphoria through his system, for a moment he understood how people became addicted to drugs. The cold was back in a heartbeat and it was painful, but he was almost free from that room.

Big hands wrapped around his waist and then his back was being pushed against the wall with force. He had no recovery time, head already swimming. He gasped, eyes rolling behind their lids. Suddenly, he was being lifted off the ground and he couldn't help but wrap himself around that body eagerly, he wanted him as close as possible. The smell of pine, musk, and oil was like nothing else and he knew he would bathe in it if he could. Deciding the next best thing, he buried his face in the man's neck, skin against skin sending sparks through his body like lightning. The man let out a hiss of air, body shaking between his legs.

Jacob grabbed Ben's arms and pulled them from his neck. He took both of his wrists in one hand and pressed them into the wall above Ben's head, his knuckles knocking against the drywall. He whimpered, and tried to lift his head to search for Jacob's eyes. The warmth and comforting feeling was changing into something else, he was melting against him.

He sucked in a breath as Jacob's hips pressed harder between his legs, he didn't know how much of this he could handle. "Look at me." The words dragged him from where he'd been drowning and he found those deep eyes staring at him from under knit brows. His eyes weren't the same color, the usual onyx black now a deep espresso brown. Jacob was studying him, his body keeping his own completely still under strong hands. "Chocolate." The word was puzzling and made no sense to his reeling mind.

He didn't know what to do, didn't know what to think or say. All he could focus on was how badly he wanted Jacob to touch him, REALLY touch him. The man moved again finally but the next thing he knew he was being set back down on the ground. He reluctantly let go and watched him as he took several steps back. "I finished the work on your truck. You can pay Seth and he'll get the money to me." He searched Jacob's face, tried to find something behind that steel mask but all he saw was absolutely nothing.

The chill that ran through his bones made him want to collapse, but the rush of sudden sadness and rejection got his feet moving. He felt absolutely humiliated and hurt that Jacob would play with him so cruelly. He ran from the room, not turning back once as he bolted for his backpack. He snatched it off the ground in one fluid motion and then weaved through the cars and men in the workshop. Ben caught Seth's eyes for a split second, more tears pouring down his cheeks as he blinked and turned back towards the door. He broke through the shadows and into the parking lot, making it to his truck in record time. He turned the key which was already in the ignition and left nothing but dirt and gravel in his wake as he sped away from that place.

When he'd crossed the rez line, he finally allowed the sobs to escape his chest and the tears didn't stop until he pulled into his driveway. As he trudged up the steps to the door, he paused. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he hit Leah's contact. The line rang only once before she picked up, "Hey babe!' Her voice made him smile but also sent more tears pouring over the edges of his eyes, "Get drunk with me, please?"


	9. Careful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Y'all I gotta stop staying up till 6 A.M. to write and finish chapters, but i really enjoy writing and this story means a lot to me so I'm excited to get to the really intense parts of what I have planned haha. Anyways, Thanks for reading and hope y'all enjoy!
> 
> *Song: Hello My Old Heart by The Oh Hellos

The morning light that poured in from the windows was harsh to Ben's tired eyes, raising his throbbing head slowly off the floor he peered around the room. Apparently he hadn't made it to his bed and had passed out in the living room after getting very drunk with Leah on FaceTime, "Fuck." Looking at the mess of art supplies and many sloppy drawings surrounding him he'd been hard at work as well. Bringing a hand to his face he huffed a sigh, they were absolutely caked in charcoal and pastel.

Ben nearly jumped out of his skin as someone pounded on his front door, he figured that had been what had dragged him from his black out. "Swan, open up!" He rubbed his temples, his headache growing every second he was conscious. Getting to his feet carefully he stepped around the night's fallout, bare feet padding across the cold wooden floor. He shivered, whoever was at the door better have a good reason for waking him.

Pulling open the entrance he grimaced as he was blinded once again, of course the one day that's sunny in Fork's had to fall on the day of his hangover. Shielding his eyes he looked up at the man on his stoop. "Oh, hi Sam." The older man stared down at him from over his cheeks, he was instantly uncomfortable and very aware of the fact all he wore was a sweatshirt and probably looked like an utter train wreck.

"Hard night?" Sam had always been the blunt one. He pushed his knotted bangs back reflexively before remembering the state his hand was in. He pulled it back to his side, "Yeah, that's one way to describe it. Um...what can I do for you?" Ben didn't want to be rude but he wasn't exactly feeling up for small talk.

"Get dressed and meet me back out here, I'm going to take you to Emily's." He was caught off guard by the words for many reasons but the biggest was the fact that they were spoken like an order. "Why?" He tried to keep the frustration out of his voice, but it leaked in. Sam took it in stride though, "Leeches were spotted in the area last night and until we track them down you need to be on our land. That's where it's safest." His hand gripped the handle with white knuckles at the word, his rattled brain sprinting into panic mode even though he knew it wasn't possible.

"We've never encountered these ones before, not sure if they'll stick around so we're just taking precautions." Letting out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding he looked back up at the man. He'd read him like an open book, "Ok, just give me a few minutes." His teeth found his bottom lip, "You can come in if you want. I was going to put on some coffee."

Sam looked him over for a few heartbeats and then ducked under the low entrance. He closed the door and locked it before trailing in after the man, "Sorry for the mess, it was a busy night." Making his way to his nest he stared down at his sketches. Jacob in both human form and wolf form stared back at him from a dozen different angles, looking at several of them he could tell where he'd fallen asleep. His face suddenly felt very hot and he made quick work of stacking all the papers together so he could hide the evidence.

After storing them in a portfolio binder near his desk downstairs he strode over to the small kitchen to get started on the coffee. He could feel Sam's eyes on him from where he stood at the little bar. He'd become friends with Seth and was on his way to being friends with Paul but he hadn't really spent time with any of the other wolves, he wasn't really sure what any of them were thinking about this...situation.

Flipping the coffee makers switch he made sure it was working before making a b-line for the sink. He rolled up his sleeves and then poured a hefty amount of soap on his grimy hands. Scrubbing vigorously at his palms he watched the black suds fall off into the water while thinking about the night before, he'd been such a mess and Leah had sat so patiently while he cried like a baby and babbled about his drama. He truly did love that girl and missed her more everyday they were apart.

"What's that on your arm?" The words pulled him from his thoughts, he looked down at his bare forearm and then froze. The shimmering silver crescent shaped scar stared back at him, he'd been so distracted that he'd pushed his sleeve up too far. He flicked the water from his hands into the sink and then turned to towel off his hands. "Just some paint, guess I got it on me last night." He tried to not seem panicked as he pulled his sweatshirt sleeves back down. He tried to not think about how the wolves already knew what the scars looked like because of the matching one on his hand he'd got his junior year of high school.

"The coffee should be ready soon, I'm just going to go change." Ben attempted to keep his heartbeat and footsteps steady as he made his way up the stairs to his bedroom. Closing the door quietly he turned and rested against the wood, "Smooth." Pulling himself free of the sweatshirt he tossed it on the bed and then made quick work of getting ready.

After brushing his teeth and fixing his stubborn hair he pulled on a pair of torn and patched black jeans, a long sleeve black shirt and an oversized band T- shirt he'd obtained at a small local show. While living in Seattle he'd discovered the punk scene and had spent many nights at cheap local shows working out his feelings in mosh pits with Leah before walking around the streets till the early hours of the morning. He'd gladly left khaki skirts and blouses behind him after finding his freedom.

Pulling the door back open he made his way back into the kitchen in search of his own comforting cup of coffee. He needed something to nurse this hangover and warm him up. Seth stood in the same spot but this time he held a mug. Ben couldn't help snickering at the one he'd chosen. "What's so amusing?" The man looked at him from over the brim of the cup as he took a sip.

"I just like your choice of mug, you have good taste Uley." The cup was one he'd made for Leah as a joke, but she'd snuck it into his boxes while moving. When he found it she defended herself by saying she'd need a mug here when she visited.

Sam rotated the cup so he could read the words on the front. His face went from a serious mask to slack jawed disbelief. "I just picked a random mug, I didn't even look at it! Why do you have this?" It was too much, Ben broke into hysterical laughter. The words 'Furries do it better' were written in glitter rainbow and set against a black background and seeing Big Sam Uley look at them with such a horrified face was about the funniest thing he'd seen in months.

The man set the mug down on the counter and then cleared his throat, "Well, if you're ready we should go." He sucked up breath, tears streaming down his face from how hard he'd laughed. "Y-Yeah! Can I get a picture first though? Paul and Seth would love this." Sam narrowed his eyes at him but he could see a small smile trying to form. "Ha ha, I don't think so."

Smile still broad on his face he picked a to-go cup out of his cupboard and poured some coffee and creamer in it. "You should have seen Leah when she unwrapped it on her birthday a couple years ago, she made about the same face you just did." Screwing the lid on the cup he grabbed it up and then stumbled for his boots, backpack, and jacket.

"Hold on, I need to make sure I have everything in my bag." Unzipping the pouch he looked inside, "Damn, where'd my sketchbook?" Then it hit him, he'd left it on the table at the garage yesterday after running out. He'd completely forgotten it and left it open for the entire world to see. Or worse, for Jacob to see.

"Uh, Sam...did y'all happen to find a sketchbook at the garage yesterday? I think I forgot it." The man shrugged as he opened the front door for him, "Not sure, but I can check with the guys though." Ben nodded, quickly walking to his desk to grab a different sketchbook so he'd at least have something to work in while he silently freaked out.

…

Sam pulled Ben's truck up the dirt drive to the familiar house. He'd only been here a handful of times in the past, but he'd always liked it. Emily was one of the sweetest people he'd ever met and had always been nice to him, he wondered how she would react to him being here now.

Once they were parked he slid out of his seat and swung his backpack over his shoulder. Sam stepped around from the other side of the cab, meeting his eyes. "I have to go, but Emily will be waiting for you just inside." He nodded at the wolf and began trudging up to the front steps. "Ben." His feet planted in place as he looked back over his shoulder, "Yeah?"

Sam ran a hand through his hair before answering, he noticed then just how tired the man looked. "Keep an eye on her for me would ya?" Their eyes met and for a moment they just studied each other, Ben understood. "Yeah Sam, of course." He tipped his chin ever so slightly and then turned for the woods behind the house.

Turning back towards the stairs, he forced his legs to move again. He knocked on the door with his knuckles and then took a step back. From inside he could hear voices and the clattering of dishes, "It's unlocked! Just come on in!"

Shaking out his nerves he pushed the door open gingerly. The smell of food and fresh coffee wafting into his face as he stepped in, causing his stomach to growl. Tossing his boots among the other shoes he made his way to the kitchen in the back of the house, heartbeat speeding up with every step. "Hello?" He called out to whoever was listening, not wanting to sneak up on anyone.

Emily stood with her back to him, hands busy with a spatula and pan. She peered over her shoulder at him, a blush racing across his face as he met her eyes. He'd forgotten how beautiful she was and seeing her now it almost seemed like she was glowing. "Hey Ben, it's good to see you." She picked up the pan and carried it to the island behind her. He immediately knew why Sam had asked him what he had, and why she practically radiated light. Emily's round stomach was accentuated by her apron, looking at her he figured she had to be at least 7 months along. She laughed as she spooned eggs onto two plates. "Need help picking your jaw off the floor, hun?" He hadn't realized his mouth had fallen open and he quickly shut it with the sound of teeth clacking together.

"Sorry, just wow...Congratulations!" She gave him a reassuring smile and then turned to grab some toast out of the toaster. "It's ok, you should have seen Sam's face when he found out." Picking the plates up with gentle hands she carried them to the dinning table in the middle of the room and set them down. "I figured you wouldn't have had enough time to eat anything this morning before he dragged you down here, come and eat."

After setting his backpack out of the way he hurried to the table. Pulling a chair out he sat down, "Thank you, it smells amazing. Then again your cooking always was amazing." Grabbing two mugs she set one in front of him and then in front of her own plate, "Coffee?" He nodded gratefully, "Yes, please." She poured them both a mug full and then finally sat down herself.

Taking a sip of his second cup of coffee of the day, he tried to think of something to say. He'd never been very good with starting conversation though. "How are you adjusting to being back?" He set the mug down and picked up his fork, "It's been alright, I've been getting a lot of painting done. Leah left a couple days ago so I've been trying to get used to her not being around 24/7." He shoved a spoonful of eggs into his mouth, maybe mentioning Leah was a bad idea but he knew she had to already know everything the wolves did.

"I'm told you've become quite the artist, I'd love to see some of your work." He swallowed and looked up at her. "Emily, can I ask you something?" She nodded and leaned back in her chair. "Of course."

He fiddled with his food, pushing it around with his fork. "Why are you being nice to me?" He could see her pick up her coffee in his periphery. She took a long sip and set it back down before answering, "Would you prefer that I give you the cold shoulder?"

Pushing another bite into his mouth, he thought about it. "I'm not sure to be honest. I just...I thought I'd come back here and I would be this hated traitor, but you and the guys have all been rather kind all things considered. All except.." He swallowed hard, setting his fork down he took another sip of coffee. "Well, I'm sure you know."

"You were a kid back then and from what I've heard, well...You've been through enough and you haven't been with them in nearly half a decade. You've been living with Leah and rather she likes it or not she's one of us." She spoke to him calmly, and then slowly reached over the table to lay her hand on his wrist. "Also, Ben you're one of us now too...rather you like it or not."

He looked at her hand, the scars lacing up her arm reminding him of his own. He shifted his plate and then reached his other arm over so he could rest his own scarred hand on top of hers. "The imprint scares me. He never wanted this, Emily. I feel like I made a mistake coming back, because I tied him to someone he never loved. He fell in love with Bella, but she doesn't exist anymore. I feel like I cursed him." He wasn't sure why the words were tumbling out so easily, but something about her made him trust her immediately. He understood why Leah had loved her so much, and why she continues to love her even if she doesn't know how to mend their relationship after so many angry years.

"It's not a curse, sweetheart. No one is really sure why imprints exist and how they're chosen but i think...I think we're what they need and they're what we need. I think we compliment them and fit them perfectly and they fit us. I think that's why he imprinted on you and not on Bella, she wasn't who he needed. Yes he loved her, but he'll love you more if he allows himself." She wrapped her hand around his and squeezed, "If he just allows himself the opportunity to know you."

He sniffed a laugh and squeezed her hand back, "He looks so empty, what happened to him?" She sniffed a hollow laugh, "He became an alpha of boys forced into manhood. They've seen things and experienced things we only go through in nightmares. More boys phase every year, and they just keep starting younger and younger. Our most recent was only 13 and he already looks like he's 18." She retrieved her hand and ran it over her face, "I worry about them all everyday."

Pushing his plate back in front of him he stared down at the cooling food, a mix of feelings spreading through him. "Do covens of them come through often?" She nodded, "Usually just small groups but they'll run through the area every couple of months but it seems to be getting more frequent. The guys usually take care of them quickly but it doesn't stop the effects. Sam was supposed to stop phasing before the baby got here, but they can't lose a veteran right now."

They sat in silence for a moment, the weight of their worlds weighing on their shoulders. Forcing the last of the food into his mouth he stood and carried his plate to the sink. "Can I help you with the dishes?"

Her chair scraped as she stood and carried her own plate over, "I'd appreciate that, Thank you." They gave each other half hearted smiles, "Happy to do it."

…

Several hours passed and between helping Emily in the kitchen and sketching her while she talked he barely noticed the time or his fading hangover. Being around her was as easy as being around Leah, he could get used to spending time here. He was pulling chicken from the oven when the back door clattered open. Several pairs of footsteps and voices could be heard and soon the room was filled with big bodies. He set the platters on the big table and then caught Seth's eyes, he gave him a big sunny smile as he pushed over to him. "Hey bro!" The wolf picked him up in a big hug, nearly squeezing the oxygen from his lungs. "S-seth..air!" He set him back down on his feet with a chuckle, "Sorry!"

Emily squeezed between them, "Help your brothers carry the rest over, Ben's been helping me all morning and would probably like to sit down." The wolf bowed to her dramatically and then walked into the kitchen. "Go ahead and sit down, hun. You've helped enough." She winked at him, but he stopped her. "If anyone needs to sit down I think it's you." She rolled her eyes and batted him away playfully, "I'm fine, now sit sit!" He smiled and gave in, squeezing his way into a chair near the end of the table facing the kitchen.

He watched the wolves move around the small space, impressed with how easily they got around each other and the house itself. They always had been oddly graceful, something he'd always envied.

With the last of the food on the table they all began taking their seats and mounding food onto plates that seemed too small for their huge hands and mouths. He watched with fascination as they all consumed mouthful after mouthful. Seth squeezed in next to him, "Better fix your plate before these animals finish it all off." Paul sat across from them and laughed, "Yeah Ben, If you're not careful Quil over there might actually eat your plate too."

Quil peaked around from the other end of the table, "What can I say? I love to eat." They all groaned, "If you try stealing off my plate again today, I will stab you with my fork." Embry sat next to him and held the object up to him, making Quil put his hands up defensively.

The table was full of laughs, jokes, and banter and it made Ben smile. He couldn't remember the last time he enjoyed being around a group of people in a setting like this, it was nice. Bringing another mouthful of mashed potatoes to his lips he looked up and found paul staring at him. "Looking at something, Lahote?"

The man shrugged, "It's just interesting seeing how much you've changed ,Swan." He stiffened, "That a bad thing?" He took a sip of his drink and met those eyes again.

He shook his head, "Not at all, you're cooler like this. The last 6 years was your...coolification!" He grinned, seeming very proud of his word choice. "My coolification, huh?" He couldn't help but snicker, "I'm gonna start using that."

Paul went to say something else but the words died on his lips as the sound of the backdoor being opened echoed through the house. He looked around, noticing that all of the talking and eating had stopped. Peaking around the bodies he spotted the reason for the sudden silence. Jacob and Sam appeared from the hall, as aura of intimidation radiating off of them. The only person who moved was Emily as she made her way to them, "Sam!" He hugged her in protective arms, and suddenly he looked like a teenager in love again. They really were perfect together. Averting his eyes to allow them a semblance of privacy, he waited for Jacob to take his seat figuring that was when things would go back to how they'd been.

Footsteps moved towards him and that's when he realized who would be filling the empty seat beside him. His heart flew into a sprint and he tried his best to calm it, knowing that every supernatural ear would be able to hear his anxiety. He stared at his plate as the man took his seat and he fought the longing to climb into his lap and wrap himself in that heat. Every atom in his body felt like it was vibrating, and he dug his nails into his palm under the table in an attempt to distract himself. He was so close yet so far away.

Eventually the table returned to eating and some conversation but it wasn't nearly the same as it had been several minutes ago. He jumped slightly at the feeling of a hand on his, "Ben, you broke the skin." Seth whispered the words into his ear but he knew everyone as that table could hear them. His face flushed and he tried to not think about the blood he could suddenly feel on his skin. He would not pass out here, he would not. "Sorry." He balled the napkin in his lap up in his hand and tried his best to get up from the table carefully and quietly. As he stepped around the chair though his feet tangled and he fell forward. He braised himself for the harsh landing but it didn't come. He suddenly felt very warm and he little sparks of electricity were shooting through his hip. Opening his eyes he met onyx black and knitted eyebrows. Jacob had caught him by the hips before he could go down.

Everyone had stilled again, watching the train wreck in front of them unfold. Ben righted himself quickly, "Sorry." He repeated and Jacob just stared at him, face caught between that steel mask and something else. He hurried away towards the bathroom, suddenly feeling very small.

He closed his eyes while he ran the tap over his palm and then flinched when light tapping echoed around him. He opened the door and then stood back under the tap, he kept his eyes shut and didn't bother looking to see who it was because he had a feeling it was Emily coming to check on him. "Can you look at the water and tell me if it's still running red?" The door closed again and his entire body burst into flames, it hadn't been Emily checking on him.

"It'll probably bleed for a while, give me your hand." Jacob's voice was so loud in that small room, he couldn't be more than a foot away from him. He turned slowly, eyes shut tight for more reasons than just the blood now. The man wrapped his rough hand around his and he gasped, "You need to be more careful." Ben nodded, he didn't know what to say. He felt something soft touch his palm and then heard the sound of tape and tearing. He worked fast, "Ok, that should be good for now."

Ben waited for him to leave, waited for how to let go, waited for something other than silence at that touch on his hand. "Are you scared of me?" He ran the question through his racing mind, trying to make his mouth form works. "You're shaking." His eyes popped open, he hadn't even realized.

The wolf stood no more than 8 inches away, those eyes boring down on him with a million questions and feelings. "I...I don't know, Jacob. I don't think so." He swallowed thickly, "You intimidate me, and when you touch me…" He closed his eyes again, the feeling of unimaginable comfort washing over his body.

"I know." Jacob's words hung between them, he'd said a thousand things by only saying two words. "I want you to stay around the rez as much as you can while you live here, it's safest." He nodded again, trying to keep himself together. He finally released his hand and it dropped back to his side heavy as lead. The door opened and he quickly tried to find his face again, "I don't know what to do."

The man turned and looked at him again, studying his face with intense eyes. He looked so tired, Ben longed to wrap him up in his arms. "I don't either." He shut the door quietly behind him and he was left staring at the space between them. Finally his legs gave out and he made his way as carefully as he could to the tile floor. Pulling his legs to his chest he looked up at the ceiling.

Ben decided then that he might not know what to do or how to even begin figuring it out, but he would stick around and figure it out. He would try with everything he had left, because he wanted to and because Jacob was at least trying to reach out. He wanted to see that sunshine smile again. This time, he would be Jacobs lighthouse guiding him back to the shore. They would guide each other through this, and hopefully meet back on the beach and walk together to their secret spot. Maybe he'd even get to hold his hand again.


	10. chase

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry that this chapter took so long to get out and that it's a bit shorter than the last few. I've been pretty busy and my birthday was a couple days ago so I was doing a few (safe) things for it! Hope y'all enjoy the chapter!
> 
> *Song: Not really the song for the chapter, but the song that Ben is singing is called "Silence is golden but duct tape is silver" and it's by Against All Authority

Ben spent the next week in and out of Sam and Emily’s house. Most days he would either help Emily around the house and kitchen, read, or work on pieces for his show. The wolves would show up throughout the days for lunch and rest before heading back out and he usually used the opportunity to hang out with them and learn anything he could about Jacob and the pack. He’d been gone for so long and had missed so much, he longed to catch up. He’d been upset though, since that day in the bathroom Jake hadn’t come back up around the house. Seth assured him it was because he’d been busy with pack and rez business, but he feared the man was avoiding him after their...talk.

Today he was pulling weeds and tidying the garden for Emily while she ran around inside. He was happy to do the work since she’d gotten to the point in her pregnancy that it was just too difficult on her body and Sam was too busy running patrols and taking care of wolf things. Turning the volume up on his phone he hummed along to the music playing through his headphones as he tossed several more weeds into the pile next to him. He loved the quiet of the forest, but he missed going to live shows and the noises of city nightlife. Leah had already been planning out what they’d be doing when he got back in a couple weeks, he looked forward to it. 

Wiping his wrist across his sweaty forehead he shoved the pile into a bucket. Getting to his feet he headed for the compost bin around the back of the house. He smiled as the next song came on, the song blasting through his brain. He danced the rest of the way, clunky boots kicking up mud as he jumped around. “Out of control and you've shivered my timbers, I'm all fucked up! The Moon's just a sliver, yea, silence is golden but duct tape is silver like the lining of the clouds that conceal the killers!” 

He turned the corner, the song quickly dying on his lips and his feet slowing to a walk. He could feel his face warming up as several pairs of eyes stared him down from across the yard. Jacob, Sam, Seth, and Paul stood near the tree line in a semi-circle talking among themselves in what looked like a meeting. He averted his eyes and moved for the compost bin, he just wanted to finish quickly so he could get back out of their line of sight. Pulling the top off the metal bin and setting it to the side he poured the content of the bucket in. The scent of earth and musky decomposition wafted up towards his face making him scrunch his nose. Replacing the top he turned back around to make his escape and ran straight into a wall of muscle. 

“Shit!” He jumped back and put his hand over his racing heart, “Fucking A Paul!” He tugged off his headphones, allowing them to fall around his neck. The man grinned down at him and Ben couldn’t help but glower at his pleased look. “You think it’s funny nearly giving me a heart attack?” Paul shrugged, “I think you’ll be ok Swan, besides I tried calling your name but your music was so loud you couldn’t hear me. So technically it's your own fault.”   
Ben rolled his eyes and glared up at him, “That’s it, I’m buying all of you bells to wear around your fat necks.” The man laughed, “Try it and I’ll stick you in a tree.” They stared each other down, and then Ben decided it was time to break out the big guns. “That’s it Paul, you’ve forced my hand.” Sticking out his bottom lip and putting on his best puppy dog face he turned for the open back door, “Emily! Paul is being mean to me, I don’t think he should get-” A big hand wrapped around his mouth and he was pulled back, “Hey! Don’t tattle on me to mom! Ouch!” He pulled his hand back and Ben scrambled away with a grin.   
“He bit me!” The man looked shocked at him, “When was the last time you washed your hands Lahote? I might need to get a shot! Besides you’re the one that put your hand around my teeth, so technically it’s your own fault.” He gave the wolf a toothy smirk, arms crossed over his chest. Paul lowered himself to a crouch, “That’s it boy, you’re going in a tree.” Ben’s eyes widened, feet getting ready to run. “You wouldn’t dare.” 

“Try me.” Paul inched forward and Ben thought to do the only thing he could, he threw the bucket that still hung in his hand square at the wolf and took off for the back door. “No point in running Swan! Just accept your fate!” He turned to look over his shoulder and saw the man gaining on him quickly, but he obviously wasn’t using his full speed. He shrieked a laugh, and then saw something else move out of the corner of his eye. Jacob looked absolutely pissed and was making his way quickly towards them. Shit.

“You’re going to get in so much trouble, Lahote!” He could feel the man closing in on him, hot breath sliding down his neck. Suddenly he was in the air, feet being pulled from the ground at impossible speeds. He let out a yelp, his head spinning from the overwhelming rush. Then just as abruptly he ground to a halt and his stomach dropped uneasily. Trying to find stability he looked around himself. Paul clutched him in the crook of his forearm, arm wrapped under his thighs so he was balanced against his side. The man’s face looked hard and he followed his gaze to what he was staring at. 

Jacob stood only a few feet away, body a mess of flexed rippling muscles that looked like they would pull away from his bones at any moment. He let out a growl and it sent a chill up Ben’s spine. He shuddered under the anger of those rage filled eyes and felt Paul tighten his hold reflexively. The two wolves stared at each other down, “Mine.” The word roared from Jacob’s chest, echoing through the trees. The tension in the air was thick and he felt suffocated under it.   
“Paul, put me down.” The man didn’t break eye contact with the angry alpha for even a moment as he slowly allowed him to slide from his grip. He took in a breath of air to try and prepare himself, then he inched forward. “Jacob.” The wolf didn’t look at him, canines appealing under razed lips. He knew if he couldn’t calm him down soon, there would be an all out brawl in the yard. He tried to lace his words with a sweet tone as he spoke again, “Jake, look at me.” 

Those black eyes finally flicked to him and he put his arms out in front of him, he tried to look as welcoming as possible as he approached him. “Hey, it’s alright Jake. Look I’m ok.” He willed himself closer, trying to close the distance and distract him from the wolf behind him. “I’m right here.” Everything seemed to be holding its breath as he came within a foot of the man, he wondered just how close to phasing he was. “I’m here, Jake.” Finally he was no more than a few inches from him, he smiled up at him even as his heart seemed to be trying to pound out of his ribs. Strange enough, he wasn’t scared that Jacob would hurt him, he mostly feared what he would do if he got his hands on Paull. 

The man leaned down and Ben closed his eyes, instinctively turning his head to the side so he could bare his neck. He could hear him sniffing the air around his skin, it made him blush and he loathed his body for having such an instant reaction to him even in a situation like this.   
His eyes shot open as Jacob closed the distance between them. He ran his nose over Ben’s jaw, guiding a trail of heat over his skin with every centimeter he brushed. The touch was so gentle and yet so intense, he wanted to melt into him. Jacob’s chest rumbled with a purr and he couldn’t help the grin and laugh that crossed his lips. “See, everything is ok.” 

The heat retreated as Jacob righted his posture but it didn’t hurt this time like it had in the past. Their eyes met again and Ben tried to give him a reassuring smile. The man didn’t return it, but the lines around his eyes seemed to soften ever so slightly.   
Without looking away Jacob bellowed an order, “Paul get your ass going, you have patrols to run.” No reply came but he heard leaves rustle as the wolf took off. Those eyes studied him for a moment longer, darting over his face like they were taking inventory. “Don’t let them chase you in front of me, it irritates the wolf.” Ben nodded at him in understanding, “Ok, Jake.” 

The man seemed to hesitate but then he rested a hand on top of his head gently, “Go inside.” His hand fell away as he turned back towards where Sam and Seth still stood, and he longed to reach out for it but he knew it wasn’t the right time. Instead, he turned for the backdoor, hopped up the steps, and went to find Emily.   
…

“Don’t move for just another sec.” Ben peaked over his canvas at Emily who stood in the middle of her living room. She was draped in a purple cloth that fell off her shoulders and slid down her curves where it pooled at the floor. Long dark hair cascading around her face and arms, the dark color contrasting beautifully with the cloth. Her long elegant fingers caressed her swollen stomach lovingly where it peaked out from beneath the fabric along with one of her bare legs. She looked absolutely ethereal, he hoped he could capture the likeness. Ben had asked her to pose for a painting and she’d happily agreed to do it. If the piece came out the way he hoped it would, he hoped to display it in the upcoming show.

“I’ve never posed for something like this before, I’m sorry if I’m not the best model.” She smiled timidly and it was the first time Ben had ever seen her look unsure of herself. “Don’t be silly, you’re doing great. I’m just really glad you’re letting me paint you.” Emily really was a gorgeous person but besides that she had a likeness he desperately wanted to capture in a painting. “You don’t think viewers will be...caught off guard?” He peered back up at her, finding her eyes from beneath the shadows of her hair. Emily always acted like she didn’t mind her scars, but he could see how vulnerable she felt being on nearly full display. His eyes traveled down her face to the long marks on her arm and hand. 

He smiled at her, “Scars or no scars you are one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen, Emily. If someone is put off by this painting, they can get the hell out of my gallery.” He brushed on another stoke on the canvas and then looked at her again. She ran her scarred hand over her tummy, “People tend to look at me with pity, ya’ know? They see my scars and think of them as a disfigurement, but I don’t think of them like that.” Her posture straightened and she raised her chin, “I’m going to be the hottest MILF at all the PTA meetings.” They stared at each other for a moment, and then the house filled with hysterical laughter.   
Ben set the brush down in the container of mineral spirits and slapped at his face, his cheeks hurting from his smile. “You sure are and I can’t wait to see it.” He stood up and tossed his paint towel over his shoulder. “Alright, let's take a break. I think I punctured an organ.” Taking her hand he helped her out of the cloth so she could get back into her clothes and then plopped down on the sofa. He couldn’t help but think about Leah, Her and Emily really were so alike. Even their humor and ability to make him laugh was similar. 

“What’s on your mind.” Emily sat down next to him carefully, one hand on her stomach while she used one of his to help her down. He looked over her face and then ran a hand through his hair, “Not sure if you wanna know.” She shifted her weight so she was leaning one elbow over the couch and using her hand to prop up her head. “Try me.” It was the second time he'd heard that today and he hoped this time would go a little better.

“I was just thinking about how similar you and Leah are.” He rolled his head to the side so he could meet her eyes, she looked like she was torn between bittersweet emotions. Wiping a hand at her face she sniffled, “You know, I envy you. You’re so close to her and got to spend so much time with her over the years. I miss her everyday. It’s the only regret I have when it comes to my relationship with Sam.” 

He hesitated but then reached a hand out to take her free one. “She’d kill me if she ever found out I told you, because she’s such a proud person but she misses you too.” She squeezed his hand and sniffed a laugh. “She always was so hardheaded, even with her own feelings. What an absolute wolf.” They both laughed again, but it was laced with upset. “Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to call her.” 

They sat like that for a while, just enjoying each other's comfortable silence. He knew he could only do so much to help them make up, this was their problem and he couldn’t fix it for them even though he wanted to. He knew they could get there though, they both had so much love for the other still.

“When y’all do finally make up and you’re no longer prego, you’re definitely joining us for midnight margaritas and karaoke.”


	11. Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It's been awhile y'all! I'd like 2 thank my editor/beta reader for pushing me 2 finally finish another chapter, she's really the only reason I could get through my writers block. Anyways, enjoy the update and hopefully I won't go another 2 months without writing another chapter. <3

Dropping the brush into the mug of water on his work table, Ben leaned back against his chair and let out a heavy sigh. The stress of his upcoming show and his personal life weighed heavy on his shoulders, which was in turn making his paint brushes feel heavy in his hand as he tried finishing up the last few details of his remaining works.

Running a paint stained hand through his shaggy bangs he stared at the painting with a critical eye. This show was a big deal and something he'd been working so hard for, he didn't have time to slack now that it was in his reach. He would get through the next couple weeks, finish his show, and then allow himself to feel the strain of his current situation.

Pushing himself off the old rickety wooden chair he made his way to the kitchen to fill his coffee cup for the third time that morning. He'd woken up extra early so he could have a few moments to work in peace before the wolves came to drag him off to the rez once again. Checking the time he figured he had at least another two hours before then and in that time he'd try his best to work through the block. He quickly added a generous amount of cream and sugar to his cup and shuffled back towards his canvas when a sudden and curt knock echoed through his living room. Stopping in his tracks he turned his head towards the door and frowned. Great, they were early.

Setting the mug down on his work table with a little more force than needed, he stomped towards the door and grabbed the knob. Whichever wolf it was would simply have to wait for him to finish up his work, he has a schedule to keep after all.

The morning air was chilly as he pulled open the door and it immediately sent a shiver up his back. "You're early and.." The words halted on his lips as he met the piercing onyx eyes on the other side. Jacob leaned against the frame, peering down at him from over those chiseled cheekbones with an unreadable look as per usual and it did very little to comfort him from the sudden cold.

They stared at each other for a moment, and Ben did his best to calm his racing heart but knew that it was futile. How could he possibly slow it when this man only stood a few feet from him?

Finally, he broke his eyes away and cleared his throat. "Uh..you caught me by surprise." It was true, this was the first time that Jacob had come to pick him up and he hadn't exactly been expecting it.

"Can I come in?" Just the sound of his voice sent a certain feeling shooting through his body and he cursed his inability to control it. "Yeah."

Jacob stepped past him and Ben was careful to adjust himself so that they wouldn't brush against each other as he passed. He still wasn't sure where they stood, and having a foggy head from their electric touch didn't seem like a good idea at that moment.

Only after Jacob disappeared into the living room did Ben allow himself to move and shut the door. The lock clicked and he took that moment to let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. Would Jacob ever stop making him so nervous? He glanced down at the floor, trying to pull it together when he noticed his appearance. Paint stained coveralls and fuzzy bunny slippers peered back up at him, as if his face could get any redder. He wasn't one that usually cared about his appearance or what people thought of his clothes, but right now he cared a whole lot.

Trudging back into the room he found Jacob standing in one of the corners, staring at the many paintings and sketches lining the wall. He was wrong, he could turn an even darker shade of red. He watched the man for a moment, not sure what to say. Some of the drawings hanging up were of him after all.

"You're really...good." The comment was quiet but it slammed into Ben's chest like a freight train. He couldn't stop himself from smiling, just a little bit. Jacob thought his work was good? He moved a little closer, eyes trained on the man's back. "Th-Thank you. I've put a lot of work into each one, a lot of really hard work." He'd spent so much time inside the past half decade pouring all his time and emotions into piece after piece. It's how he'd managed to keep it together as much as he had. He'd also spent quite a few hours drawing Jacob from memory, trying to capture a little bit of that light he'd so fondly remembered from his days before Edward had come back. Jacob was very different from what was in his memories though, but who was he to talk? His eyes roamed further down Jacob's body, he really had bulked up quite a bit while he was gone. Ben figured he was at least seven feet tall now, and made of even more rock hard muscle. Suddenly, he found himself very close to Jacob. His eyes took inventory of every detail he could see, trying to lock it away for later. Then something hanging in the man's hand caught his attention and the spell was broken. Ben stepped a pace back as he studied the plastic bag. Oh.

"Is that my sketchbook?" His voice was a little higher than intended.

Jacob finally turned to face him, bringing the bag up towards his chest. "Yeah, I found it in the garage. That's why I'm here actually, to make a trade. You still owe me $50 for the work I did on your truck."

Ben stared at the bag, was Jacob only here to collect his money for the tune up? He figured that made sense, but it still sent a twinge of pain through his heart. "Ok, just...give me a second." He bowed his head away from those piercing eyes, not wanting to allow him to see the hurt on his face.

Ben moved towards the kitchen counter, eyes on his wallet as he moved past Jacob. He tried to not think of the warmth, or the smell of pine. He tried to not think about how badly he wanted to touch him, even if just a brush of his shoulder against Jake's arm. He tried to not think about anything other than his wallet.

He pulled it towards him by the chain and quickly popped it open, fingering through the bills and trying his best to pull it together enough to count out the correct amount. He cursed Jacobs' ability to drain him of all brain function by just being in the same room. "Thanks for bringing it by, I'd been missing it."

Ben turned back towards him, and held out the cash. The man studied the money for a moment, and then reached out for it. The warmth that shot through Ben's arm as Jacob's fingers brushed against his nearly made his knees give out from under him. He pulled away and stumbled back into the counter, snatching his hand towards his chest reflexively. "Fuck!" The word slipped from his lips in frustration, he wasn't sure how much more he could take of their accidental touches.

Ben looked up at Jacob and caught the man's eyes, for just a moment he thought he saw something like worry or...hurt in the man's stare but then it was gone. He wanted the scream or cry or both, he hated not knowing what was going on in that thick head. They stood in heavy silence for what felt like hours as Ben's heart echoed in his skull. Then Jacob set the bag on his worktable and started for the door. Watching him walk away without saying anything was the last straw.

"Why didn't you just send someone else, Jacob?" Ben looked down at his hand, chills quickly chasing away the moment of warmth. He shivered, wrapping his arms around himself in an attempt at comfort.

The man stopped, turning to look over his shoulder. "Cause I didn't want to." Ben didn't know what to say to that, so he just focused on keeping himself from crumbling. Was Jacob just trying to taunt him? "I looked through it...your sketchbook."

Ben's head shot up, suddenly feeling very angry. "Wait, what?" He stomped forward, "Is that why you came? Because you feel some kind of guilt over nosing through my shit?" He moved around Jacob, coming to stand in front of him. Suddenly he didn't care how big and intimidating the man was, "Jacob Black I-"

He was cut off mid sentence though, "You nosed through my shit first, so now we're even." His voice was stern and level and it only frustrated Ben more. Why was this so hard?

"Oh...and here I figured we were even after I'd left the garage in tears." He regretted saying it the moment the words spilled over. He didn't like showing Jacob any weakness, but it felt like that's all he'd seen since their first meeting in the woods. Why couldn't they just have a simple interaction that didn't result in anger, confusion, or sadness? Things between them used to be so much easier.

Jacob side stepped him as he continued his way towards the door, "Seth will be by in a little while to pick you up." Ben couldn't just drop this though. He swung around, grabbing the man by the wrist. Sparks of flame raced up his arm but he ignored them, his agitation pushing him through.

"Stop always walking away from me!" Ben's voice rang out in the silence of the room, and then hung heavy between them. Jacob stopped, but didn't turn towards him. They both stood there, Ben fighting himself to say more but finding his mouth wasn't cooperating. His grasp on the man tightened, he could feel tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He was so tired he didn't always want to be fighting with this man but it seemed it was all they were able to do.

"What do you want me to say?" Jacob finally turned to him, stepping closer. "Did you think you'd just be able to come back and have things just be ok between us?" Ben's heart pounded as the distance closed between them. "You're gone, vanished, for 6 years and then suddenly I find out you're alive and home." Ben shuffled back from the accusing words, feeling very small under those black eyes. "But it's not you, it's someone completely new. Someone I don't even know, someone that doesn't fit MY memories." Ben's back hit a wall, panic shooting through him as he realized he no longer had any more room to get away. "So what do you WANT from me?"

Ben shook as the weight of Jacob's words came to rest on his shoulders. He didn't shake from sadness though, he shook with rage. His hands shot out, pushing at Jacobs large chest. "I will not be sorry for existing! I will not apologize to you or anyone else for realizing my own happiness! You can be angry at me for leaving, but do not try to make me feel sorry for not being that girl anymore!" He knocked his fists into unrelenting muscle, tears finally pouring over his hot cheeks. He wanted to scream, he was so tired of being forced to feel like his very existence was somehow a crime against the people he loved.

Jacob backed away from him, obviously caught off guard by his outburst. Ben met his eyes, raising his chin as he wiped a sleeve across his wet face. "Yeah, I changed, but so did you Jacob." He smiled then, a humorless laugh crossing his lips. "And yet I'm still trying to love you again."


End file.
